Awesomeness by land

So a while back I was thinking to myself that I would have nothing to blog about cuz I was getting familiar with the island and the boat, which therefore meant that I wouldn't be doing anything stupid anymore. Silly me. I give myself way too much credit. We got back from Vegas Tuesday night around 9:30pm. It was supposed to be 8:30, but we sat on the runway at JFK for over an hour for no reason. Weather was absolutely fine, besides it being freezing cold. No snow, no rain. So I'm stressing out cuz we need to get back before 10 to pick up the dummies from the sitter.

Anyways, we land, get our luggage, pay $500 in duty for all the crap we brought back from the states. I run to the lot to get the car. I'm proud of myself for remembering that the driver's side is on the right. I'm pretty sure I remind myself to drive on the opposite side of the road. I had to have, right? I remembered the whole thing about the steering wheel. I hop in the car. Every thing else is a blur. I'm in a rush to pick up Sandy from arrivals. I go to pull into the first entrance, but it's an exit. Fine, I'll obey the rules. I get to the second entrance, except it's an exit too. I dunno why I didn't just pull in anyways. I NEVER obey traffic signs. There was no one around. So I keep driving. Needless to say, I'm going kinda fast.

All of a sudden I see a row of taxis flying towards me. FUCK ME HARD. I slam on the brakes. The first taxi swerves into the left lane to avoid me. Of course the second taxi doesn't notice my dumb ass til it's too late. He drives his car up the curb but not before swiping the right side of my car. SHIT! There is no worse feeling that immediately after an accident of which you are at fault. Plus there's always the fact that I couldn't drive a mere tenth of a mile without getting into an accident. Or I've become the idiot foreigner who drives on the wrong side of the road. Of course he's upset. He calls the cops. I can freaking see the arrivals area, so I run over to Sandy and get our luggage. First, I move the car back to the proper lane so cars can pass. Guy yells at me for moving the car, so I move it back.

Cops come right as we get back to the car. Cops were cool enough. They let us settle it on our own. Taxi driver wants us to call our insurance to pay for his damages. Easy enough. He goes on to tell us that he's the new mayor of St. George's, the "county" we're in, and that we need to call tomorrow. So you're the mayor but you moonlight as a taxi driver? I assume you're the only honest politician in the world and aren't taking any money under the table? I was gonna make a comment but didn't want to make the situation worse. We're the foreigners here. The driver and cop could be related for all I know. They might throw me in jail and cane me. Kick me out of the country. Who knows. Cop was really cool. At the end, he pulls us aside and tells us to be very careful when driving cuz there's been a lot of bad accidents lately. He was expecting the worst when he got the call. I prolly shoulda told him to be safe too.

Obviously, Sandy drives back home. I'm pretty upset with myself. Feeling like a total loser. Back on the island and get into an accident within 2 minutes. Who else does this happen to?! Every one always says to be careful cuz it's confusing when you're back on the island after driving in the states. I'm feeling completely useless and think I should just go back to the states where I belong.

It was better the next day after I stopped by to talk to the insurance guy. Sounds like they'll cover every thing, and our deductible is only $300. Damage wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Side mirror is gone, and the window and door are a bit scratched up. But that's about it. And the taxi just had a scratch going along both doors. Plus I'm flying on the scooter. Definitely feel much more comfortable riding that thing. You can weave in and out of traffic, pass slow ppl and avoid traffic much easier if you're driving on the wrong side of the street. I guess the downside is you have a much better chance of being part of the 13 road fatalities this year. Mark my words: no more traffic accidents while I'm on the island.

Dear Bermuda, You suck.

Today is one of those "I hate Bermuda" days. I alternate back and forth. I wonder if this is how I'll always feel coming back from the states. Vegas was awesome, as always. We just spent time hanging with family and friends, shopping, and eating. It felt like we were only there for a day and then it was time to leave. I wish we would have stayed through New Year's :(.

The plan was to get McDonalds the minute we arrived in Philly for our layover on the way to Vegas. Upon arrival, we find out that the McDonald's is all the way in the other concourse and we didn't have enough time before our next flight. So we settled on eating at the food court. I chose Chick-fil-a, which was extremely disappointing. Their waffle fries rule, but their chicken sandwich is dry. Jim chose a philly cheesesteak place. Equally disappointing. The flight to Vegas felt like it took a million years. Note to self: US Air blows. No movie, nothing...for a 5 1/2 hour flight! After we arrived in Vegas, it took a while to get our rental car. Who knew that Vegas is the hot place to be for Christmas? The line for the rental car took like over an hour. Then it was off to Tammy and Victor's place for some hot pot. I usually don't like hot pot but it was delish! I guess I missed Chinese food more than I thought. Christmas day breakfast, lunch and dinner were eaten at home. They were all extremely delicious. I'm still dreaming of the rib roast and I had deep fried turkey for the first time. Yummy....

Other meals of the weekend include THE scrambled egg breakfast with croutons (compliments of Greg's parents) which is my new fav breakfast of all time; Sushi Roku - company was great but food just so so; Olives - disappointing compared to last time; In-n-out - terrific as always; Hot and Juicy – delish but a bit too spicy so I was torn between pain and food bliss; Auntie Anne’s almond pretzel – yummmm…I even finally found a McDonald’s at JFK on the way back to Bermuda but I surprisingly didn’t feel like eating McDonald’s. I just had a few of Jim’s fries and got the Chinese food instead.

The flight back to Bermuda was uneventful. After arriving with our 4 checked bags (all at right around 50 lbs) and 4 carry-ons, I had Jim go get the car from the long term parking. It’s about 0.25 miles from the airport. I waited outside in the freezing cold for over 15 minutes before I get a call from him saying he’s been in an accident with some taxi. An accident in like 0.25 miles?! Ugh. So I walk over to the accident (yes, it was that close). The police come and are like “okay, now you guys go settle this between yourselves and decide what you’d like to do.” Really?! My first thought is that we’re going to have to throw down and brawl on the side of the street. Instead we go talk to the taxi driver, who claims he’s the mayor of one of the parishes (why the mayor is also a taxi driver is beyond me). We decide I’ll call my insurance and have them handle it in the morning (since it’s like 11pm). The police write up the report and we’re off. Lessons learned from the accident: 1.Husband is not allowed to drive the car anymore. 2. Ex-pats have no rights whatsoever in Bermuda. I think that no matter whose fault the accident is, the citizen will always win. 3. Bermuda sucks.

When we get home, we notice the wind was so strong that it blew our scooter over and now it’s just laying on the road. I swear there was rust on the scooter too. Who knows if the thing will even start anymore. And the house smells like mold. And it’s like 55 degrees but the wind makes it feel like 30 degrees. Dear Bermuda, today I hate you.

Vegas!

Flying out to Vegas in a couple hours. I just ate breakfast/lunch and weighed myself afterwards. 172.4 lbs, 11.1% body fat. We'll see how much weight I gain in the next six days. The dog sitter came by this morning to pick up the dummies. I must say that I am surprisingly pretty sad. This will be the first Christmas away from them. So sad. Looks like this house husband shit's turned me into a complete pussy. I'll just hafta eat my way to happiness. We don't land until late. Flying to the west coast from Bermuda is a killer, all-day event. Hopefully there'll still be places open to eat when we land. McDonald's in PHL fo shizzle. Fish Filet with extra tartar and Quarter Pounder with cheese, here I come! Happy holidays!

The beginning of the end

We leave for Vegas tomorrow to spend Christmas with Tammy, Victor, Kira and company. This will be the first trip back to the states since we moved out here. Pretty exciting. It honestly doesn't feel like the holidays here. Sandy didn't realize it was Thanksgiving week until I suggested we buy a turkey. Christmas definitely doesn't feel like it's two days away. I guess the snow really does make a difference.

The primary focus of this trip, besides hanging out with family of course, is to stuff my face with all the food I have missed these past 7 weeks. On the list, in no particular order:

- Bellagio buffet
- Bomb ass sushi
- Barely cooked steak and foie gras
- Hot and Juicy
- Hooters
- Guacamole from that one restaurant in the Venetian
- Maybe the beef noodle soup place in the Venetian
- Taiwanese breakfast

The last two aren't that important anymore cuz we're going to Taiwan in February. Sandy's only going for a couple days, but I'll be there for almost the entire month. This is extremely bad news. While I cannot wait for all the food, I am extremely nervous about all the weight I'm going to gain. Last year, we were there for less than two weeks. I gained 12 freakin pounds! That's like a pound a day! I came back with a freaking gut. It was both shocking and disgusting. I had my hand on my belt or something, felt something weird sticking out, looked down and was shocked to see this thing protruding out of my stomach. I was seriously revolted. I've been trying to get myself into shape so that it won't be as bad when I eat my way out of shape for an entire month. It'll be March when I get back, which is when beach weather starts. And we have all our new snorkel and wakeboarding gear waiting for us at Casa de Sun. It has not been going well. I'm just too lazy out here. Have not worked out at all this week. Can't wait to eat tho!

Sandy decided today that she wants to board, so we'll be going to Vermont the second weekend in January for a lil snow. I don't think there's really much to eat out there. But we will be back in the good ol Chi the weekend of 1/29. We're only staying for two nights before we fly out to Taiwan, but we'll definitely be eating

- Wildfire
- Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder
- Portillo's
- and if we can fit it in: gyros, deep dish pizza (surprisngly haven't really been craving it), Korean bbq, Culvers and The Works.

It's gonna be two months of gluttony! Happy holidays! Eat and be merry!

I gave the dummies baths today. That's it. That's all I did today. It's a Monday.

Cheapskate

Every one knows that I'm cheap. I don't like calling it cheap cuz it has a negative connotation to it. It's more of being frugal or thrifty. I like to say I'm a conservationist. I'll drop ridiculous money on electronics and cool stuff, but I don't like spending money on stuff we don't need or using more than what's required. Before we got the iPhone, Sandy and I both bought the same phone. It had a QWERTY keyboard. Only reason you'd need a QWERTY keyboard on your cellphone is so that you can type faster. The only time you'd need to type is to text. Well, I don't like texting. Not only does it take away the whole human element of actually talking to someone, it costs money. They want you to pay extra to buy a text plan. That's retarded. I'm not going to spend money to text people when I can just call them for no extra charge. Of course, ppl would always text me...even after I repeatedly yelled at them for costing me 5 cents. And I'd always get mad when Sandy would go over her text limit. Even when we got the iPhone, I refused to get a text plan. I don't think you can call that being cheap cuz iPhones are definitely not cheap. Nor is the data plan, but I don't mind cuz I actually use it.

I'm like this cuz I was raised this way. My mom was overly cautious when it came to money. She prolly got it from my grandmother. There was this one time, way back when you lived in Houston, we had a bag of chips. I guess it was past the "Sell by" date, cuz my mom threw it out. I was crying about how she was wasting the chips. So when she left the kitchen, I started eating the chips out of the garbage...just the ones that were still in the bag! She came in and freaked out. Now that I think about it, it doesn't make any sense cuz my mom always eats shit that's overdue or expired. Cam and I would yell at her all the time. Weird.

When my uncle lived with us, he was extremely liberal with the toilet paper. He'd wipe or blow his nose once and just chuck it. I used to go into his bathroom and see the entire garbage filled with toilet paper. So I'd freakin take them out and use them! Like, if I had a cold, I'd use his old, nasty, used toilet paper and blow my nose with it. Sandy's that way too, tho I'm not going to fish that shit outta the toilet. And she won't change her ways no matter how much I nag. You can be clean w/o using up half the roll yo. And it's the really nice and soft double layer stuff. I, myself, am a folder. I'm like origami master with that shit.

I turn off the water in the shower when I'm putting on shampoo and soap. I definitely don't leave the water running when I'm brushing my teeth, washing my hands or doing the dishes. Drives me crazy when I see ppl doing it. If it were my choice, we wouldn't eat out unless there was no food in the fridge. But of course Sandy would cry. She thinks she's above leftovers. I definitely didn't think we needed all new furniture for Bermuda, but I didn't mind buying a new TV. It's weird. I'm the exact opposite when it comes to big purchases. I want the biggest and best. I cut my own hair, but that's also cuz I do a better job. Who cares what the back looks like...I don't hafta look at it. I'm a recycling superfreak. I chase after Sandy, unplugging all the chargers she's not using. To this day, I don't wash my clothes after each time I wear them. I won't wash them until they start to smell. I go thru and smell all my clothes in the closet when it's laundry day. In high school, I didn't want the ass of my jeans to get worn out, so, when I was at home, I'd pull my pants down and only sit in my underwear. Family prolly thought I was a freak. When I was in high school, I'd write down what shirt I wore to school every day on a calendar so I wouldn't repeat until I'd worn every thing else in my closet. That might be more cuz I happened to wear the same tshirt from Kohl's as this super popular kid one day. People were making comments and he said, "That's cuz he wears the same clothes every day." So sad.

There's a famous story of when I was in kindergarten. We had gone out to buy groceries the night before. I specifically remember my mom buying Kraft cheese slices for my lunch the next day. Back then I'd eat the cheese by itself. Fold it up a couple times. We ate out on the deck at school. That day, I got into a fight with a kid. That bastard took my slice of cheese and dropped it thru the cracks in the deck! I freaked out and started crying. Teachers ran over, thinking something crazy had happened. "My mom bought me that cheese!" was all I could say. I cried the entire lunch period and prolly the rest of the day. Don't worry tho, I got my revenge. The next day, I snuck into the cubbies, found that punk's lunch box, took his granola bar and threw that shit down the deck too. At lunch, he was like..."I know my mom packed me a granola bar. I don't know what happened to it." Now that was awesome. I while later, I took his stormtrooper too. Payback with interest.

My point? We bought some yogurt a while back. It was a ways back cuz they say "Sell by Dec 5". Guess what I've been eating these past two days for breakfast? We had 4 in the fridge. Sandy obviously won't touch them. I've never worked at a processing plant or grocery store, but I'm pretty sure you have no more than a week from that "sell by" date before it goes bad. When we first got to the island, we bought some oranges. This is the first week of November. Sandy asked me to clean out the fridge on Monday and throw out all the old food. Well, the oranges were still there. Yes, I moved them from the hotel to the house. They weren't powdery black or anything (we've had those many times back in the states), but there some black spots. Definitely very soft. I huddled over the sink like an Ethiopian and ate all four of those bad boys. Wasn't sour or anything. If you saw how expensive groceries here were, you'd do the same. Each yogurt was like $1.36. That's over $5 I saved. My stomach wasn't feeling so hot afterwards, but I dunno if it was from the food or the pepperoni pizza layered with crushed red peppers. Either way, it was worth it.

Inspired

After finding out that Julie and Julia was already out on DVD (thanks Mark! Jim thanks you too), I went and rented it. She has inspired me to keep the blog alive despite the lack of acknowledgement of the blog on the part of the readers. Perhaps I'll make the blog searchable by google so that I can make some new friends :)

I've been hearing about all this cold weather that you've been getting back in the states. We're getting some of that too! Instead of the 78 degrees I'm used to, it was like 65 over the weekend. Talk about cold front! I was told before I moved here not to become one of those people that rubs in the fact that I live on an island. So I've decided to devote this entry to the top 10 reasons that Chicago is cooler than Bermuda.

1. Chicago really is cooler. Literally. Like 75 degrees cooler.

2. I'll occasionally see "68 degrees" on the forecast and freak out because it's not the 75 degrees I'm used to seeing every single day. Then I realize that 68 degrees is actually the low. This small swing in temperature can be quite confusing at first glance. This was never an issue in Chicago when the high and low for the day could be separated by 20+ degrees.

3. Enough about the weather, Bermuda stinks. Everything has a nasty, stinky, pungent mold smell. Sometimes you won't realize it because you get used to it. Then you'll get a wiff of the stink as you turn your head and want to throw up. This is particularly hazardous when you are at a restaurant. Although, it could be seen as a positive if you are trying to lose weight since you will lose your appetite.

4. Snowboarding is impossible. When in Chicago, you can hop in the car and drive up to scenic Wisconsin. In Bermuda, you can scatter some cotton all over the backyard and throw your board on top of it. It doesn't quite have the same effect though.

5. Why is Bermuda so expensive? A 40 pint dehumidifier should not cost $500. A used dehumidifier from the 1800s should not cost $150. A Chevy Spark should not cost as much as a BMW. Simple economics.

6. I miss chicken nuggets from McDonalds. Those of you that know how much I love chicken nuggets understand the enormity of this situation.

7. Full service gas station pumps means that someone must pump your gas for you. This means you are left with roughly 3-5 minutes where you are obligated to talk to the guy pumping the gas. Particularly awkward when the guy doesn't understand how you can possibly not have an accent and speak perfect English, even if you spent your entire life in the US.

8. Tree frogs dying on your screen door and getting stuck on the screen = bad. Enough said.

9. You know that feeling in the summer time when you are looking out of the window wishing that you were outside instead of wasting your life away at your desk? Now imagine having that feeling every single day.

10. Target. Even though I went there maybe once every 2 months back home, I want to cry when the commercials come on (yes, we get Target commercials because I'm pretty sure they just steal the TV signal from the states). The other day I went to pick up a filing cabinet from some guy that is moving back to the states. I asked why he was moving back. His exact words..."I miss Walmart."

So there you have it folks...living on an island is not just fun and games. In other news, I can't believe that Christmas has snuck up on us so soon! I didn't even realize it was coming up until Jim told me we were leaving for Vegas in 1 1/2 weeks.  We have no Christmas decorations up and the only Christmas-y thing we've done this year is go to the Christmas boat parade. Our first trip off the island! We'll also be back in Chicago at the end of January, then off to Taiwan. Hope we get to see you when we're back!

Lobster Diving

For those of you wondering why Sandy doesn't post anymore, she's boycotting cuz she doesn't think anyone reads her blogs cuz no one comments. Yes, she is very sensitive like that. I think she's emailing her new blog directly to X and Giraffe, whose niceness extends to commenting. If you're gonna take the time to read the blog, would it kill you to spend an extra 10 seconds acknowledging the fact that you read it?

One of the many things I was exciting about when coming here was lobster diving. Sandy would tell me how her boss did it all the time and was really good. He'd catch so many that his family is now sick of lobsters and he just gives them away. How cool is that? Catching your own lobster. So last Sunday, after a month of being on the island, Sandy's boss finally invites me out. Sweet! One problem: my body's starting to grow a rash. Putting on a tight wetsuit is probably not the best thing for a new, developing rash. But I don't want to wait another month or more to lobster dive. If you know me, my skin is like rash city. Whenever I get a rash, it's no joke. We're talking massive creep (Starcraft reference) throughout my entire body. I noticed it Saturday after we got back from the holiday party. My right torso had big red chunks, but it wasn't crazy bad. Not the normal small, red dots. By the time I woke up Sunday tho, it had spread along my side and up to my shoulder. Oh well, whatever. Can't pass up a chance to go lobster diving. It's going to be wicked fun.

Sandy's boss picks me and this other guy up at the dock. I borrow his mask, snorkel, gloves, fins and lobster catcher thing. It's basically a metal stick with rope at the end. You get the rope thru the lobster's tail and pull. Easy enuff. We drive out to this reef he says is money. Aight, we all jump in. I haven't snorkeled in years, especially not when there's waves. I'm freaking swallowing salt water left and right. I start freaking out and flailing my arms like Sandy without a life jacket. Luckily the two other guys are already out doing their thing, so they don't see the side show I got going on over here. Her boss is a seasoned pro and the other guy has gone out 9 times and caught a lobster his first time. Plus he's got all this fancy equipment. I'm a noob who's about to drown. Breathing underwater isn't normal. It just feels weird. Every time I put my head down, the waves basically fill my snorkel with water, I choke on sea water, panic cuz I can't breathe and throw my head up out of the water and fling off my mask. I dunno how I'm able to hold onto my lobster catcher thing through all this. To make matters worse, the strap to one of my fins is broken, so my fin keeps falling off. It takes all my focus just to catch it before it sinks to the bottom of the ocean. So for the first 30 minutes, I'm pretty much just trying not to drown and see if I can get drunk off salt water. Instead of lobster diving, I'm fin diving. Loads of fun. In between trying not to die, I try putting my head underwater so I don't look like the total ass that I am, in case these two guys happen to look up and see my two legs (one with a fin) helplessly kicking around. It's like hide and go seek, snorkel style. Any time I see one of them come to the surface, I immediately put my head down and pretend like I'm doing something productive. I see him come up with a lobster. Sweet. Turns out it was just smaller than requirement. If I knew him better, I woulda just told him to take it.

I'm ecstatic when I see these guys finally get back on the boat. But we just head on to the next reef. Sweet. I finally start to get a hang of the whole breathing with the snorkel thing. Too bad that's not the point of lobster diving. Lobster diving sounds easy enough. You dive down, find a lobster, catch it and eat. Well, if you can't dive down, you really aren't gonna catch any lobster. Each time I try diving, I get about 3 feet before the pressure makes it feels like my head is about to explode. Normally when you're in an airplane or going up an elevator, you just swallow or something. Doesn't quite work for me when I'm underwater. It does absolutely nothing. Not to mention the fact that I can't even dive. It's not like you're jumping from the boat. You're already in the water. Every time I try and dive, my head basically goes underwater and my legs go in the air. I can only imagine how this looks. It's like that mercury chicken thing back in chemistry class. We end up going to 4 or 5 reefs. The whole time I'm just swimming around, trying to act like I'm doing anything but just swimming around. I don't see a single lobster. Don't really know how you can when you're just up on the surface of the water. Sandy's boss catches a big enuff lobster, which I don't even see cuz I'm off in my own world.

So last post, I was talking about how my rash spread after lobster diving. When I got home, it was pretty much all over my thighs. I'm pretty sure it's cuz I peed in my wetsuit when I was out in the water. I tried going back on the boat and letting it out thru my pant leg, but I guess it had already swirled around and did its thing by then. Seriously tho, what do divers do when they hafta pee?! Astronauts do it! So out of the three times I've used my wetsuit, it's kept out water and kept in sweat and urine. I'm assuming that's why they call it a wetsuit. Anyways, so that I'm much more prepared next time I go out, I've bought all this nifty gear online. Cuz, like golf, new and expensive equipment will automatically guarantee positive results.

More awesomeness

My boating skillz are awesome. Pure awesome. I may write a book. So we planned to take some of Sandy's coworkers out on the boat last Saturday. This means I hafta get the boat first, which has been moored. I have Sandy drive me and the kayak out to the marina by our place. I'm sitting in the passenger seat, holding onto the kayak handle for dear life as it's hanging halfway out the back of our Chevy Spark. We get to the marina, and I decide to take a shortcut down the hill to the water instead of walking all the way around to the dock. I kayak out to the boat easily enough. I tie the kayak to the boat, cuz I don't want the kayak to drift away, and undo the mooring. I reach into my pocket for the key to star the boat...except the boat key's sitting back on the kitchen counter AT FUGGIN HOME! Awesome. What good does it do to tie the kayak to the boat if the freakin boat floats away!? At least I'll know where my kayak is if I ever get my boat back. Now I understand why the guy we bought the boat from said to never undo the mooring unless the boat was on. Makes sense...as a couple tons of dead weight starts to drift. So now I'm freaking out cuz I'm on a kayak, trying to hold onto a boat that's about to play pinball with the other hundred boats in the harbor. I try putting the mooring back on the boat, which doesn't exactly work cuz the mooring's so heavy that it fills my kayak up with water. Awesome, now I'm going to drown in a kayak while my boat drifts off to sea. I wonder, if I float to the bottom of the harbor while still holding on to the boat, would that be enough weight to keep the boat still? Lots of thoughts are running through my head, one being the fact that they're gonna confiscate the boat cuz I'm too awesome. By the time I gather my senses, the boat has already drifted 20+ yards from the mooring and awfully close to another boat. What the hell do I do now?! Do I yell at the guy with the boat at the marina to come help me out? Do I just jump off and pretend like it's not my boat? Did Sandy buy enough idiot insurance? I think quick, which isn't quick at all cuz the boat has already drifted 20+ yards! I have no choice but to take off my shirt, jump in the water and try and push the boat back to the mooring. Pushing obviously isn't going to do jack, so I start pulling it. And of course a marina is busy, so there's people on land looking, pointing, and I'm sure laughing. Luckily I worked out during the week cuz I'm able to get the boat back to the mooring. Sandy drops off the keys and all is well. The actual boat ride was pretty nice. Thank gawd her coworkers weren't around to watch me demonstrate my mooring expertise. We saw a shipwreck, fed Doritos to fish and anchored by this lil island beach and drank Sandy's extremely potent black and cokes. And I dropped off our guests and re-moor the boat with no more drama.

However, somewhere along the way that day, I ended up getting a rash. It started out as a lil speck on my chest and proceeded to spread all over my entire body by Sunday night. Awesome. The doctor says it could be poison ivy, which I probably got from that shortcut at the marina. Or it could have been from the nasty chain on the mooring as I was clutching it for dear life. I have a theory on how the rash spread so quickly, but I'll save that gem for another day.

Awesomeness

Yesterday was the defining day of my month-long adventure in Bermuda. So we bought the boat last week, but we didn't have a mooring yet to keep it. The guy took us out on Sunday to show us the ropes, and we left it on his mooring, which is not close to our house or harbor. Finally found and decided on a mooring. Sandy's been nagging me about being useless and not doing anything, so I decided I needed to get this boat thing taken care of pronto. Incidentally, I haven't been doing nothing. We got a gym membership this week, so I've worked out two days in a row now. I actually run to the gym, work out and try to run back. Got my scooter license on Monday too, so I finally got rid of that stupid $16/day scooter.

So yesterday afternoon, after flip-flopping between playing Arkham Asylum and getting the boat, I finally decide I need to do something productive before the week's over. The thing about moorings is you hafta get to your boat, which is out in the water already. How do you get to your boat? Normally you'd use a boat or kayak, but since the boat's not at our mooring...I hafta swim. Water's not ice-cold or anything, but still. So I go put on X's (this isn't to protect his identity. His name really is X. He's just that awesome.) wicked wetsuit. Why not? Thing is a lil uncomfortable. I'm adjusting this thing like a baseball player. I dunno how gymnasts and anyone else who has to wear tight stuff in that area does it. So I was gonna take the scooter, until I go outside and notice that the scooter isn't there! Awesome. Sandy took it to the ferry. I apparently didn't notice the two times I passed by the area. The ferry is just up the road from where I worked out, so I coulda just grabbed it after I worked out...if I wasn't such an idiot. I debate whether to run and go get it, but I'm too tired. So let's go catch the bus to get to the boat. I've used this bus before, but apparently I'm a bigger idiot than I thought cuz it took the wrong route. So I get off at the fork in the road. At this point I'm halfway between home and boat....in a freaking wetsuit but not in the water! You must realize that every thing I'm doing is so that I'm not a useless househusband. So of course I'm going to go get the boat. How am I going to explain my day to the wife if I don't have a boat to show for it? "Yeah, I was just trying to start my wetsuit modeling career." It's already past 3, and it gets dark around 5:30 here. I decide to run, even tho I'm already really tired. Again, I'm in a freaking wetsuit! And I have sandals on! Of course I don't bother to tighten my sandals (cuz that would take up valuable time), so my feet are going in one direction and my sandals are going in another. If you've never experienced the joy of running in a wetsuit, let me try and paint a picture for you: it sucks. I dunno what idiot invented tampons or how girls can use them cuz I was feeling extremely awkward...and there wasn't even any significant penetration. I'm on the freaking street in my freaking wetsuit, trying to run in loose sandals, trying to look serious (again, in a freaking wetsuit), not knowing whether to laugh cuz I'm getting my balls tickled and salad tossed AT THE SAME TIME, cry cuz I am the biggest moron on the island or hide somewhere and enjoy these sensations lost on a married man. Let's not forget that I've already worked out today, so I'm toggling back and forth between running and walking, which I'm sure looks mad cool to other people on the street. Another perk of having a wetsuit is that it keeps water out. By whatever mathematical theory, that also means it'll keep water in! In this case, it's sweat. Perfect. Also realize that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE I AM OR WHERE THE BOAT IS! I could be miles away. Finally I see the harbor and the boat. I take a shortcut down the embankment. Of course I slip and land on my ass. And I just happened to pick out the primo spot next to some sewer pipe that's spitting out water that I'm sure isn't drinkable. I get in the water. Before I get in the water, I decide I need to tighten my sandals so I don't lose them in the water. Awesome. It's not that cold. The boat's maybe 50 yards out? I can swim this man. I start swimming. I make it maybe...10 yards? Holy shit, swimming is no joke! Before you all crack jokes, remember that I worked out two days in a row after having been off almost a year. And I woke up at like 6:30. I'm sore and tired. So am I gonna drown 40 yards from my boat?! I end up on my back, staring up at God, asking him what I've done to deserve such an awesome experience. I'm too tired to even backstroke. It's like making midget snow angels. I end up maybe 10 yards from the boat. Surely I can swim to it now, end strong. Nope. Finally reach the boat. I start it fine, but of course I end up finding the only shallow water in the entire harbor. If you're familiar with boats, how bad is it if your motor stops cuz you run it aground...twice? That's your queue, X.

I get out of the harbor and I'm cruising. Having a boat is nice. Then saltwater starts splashing all up in my face. I dunno if I was driving too fast or in the wrong direction of the waves cuz water was slapping me left and right. It's getting into my eyes. I can't see. I can't even wipe my face off cuz my hands and arms are wet too and, anytime you're able to clear your eyes, more water splashes. Landmarks when you're on a boat look nothing like when you're on land. Nothing looks familiar. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there's more than one row of buildings along a road. I dunno. I'm trying to find our house, or anything within a 5 mile radius of our house. NOTHING LOOKS FAMILIAR! I have absolutely no idea where I am. This wouldn't be a huge problem...except for the fact that the boat is out of gas and the sun is setting. Yes, the guy left as little gas in the tank as possible. Kinda like when you're renting a car and pre-paid for gas. Or when you're selling a car, except if you're Sandy. Then you turn down the $200 they offer you for driving out of your way to meet them. I've gone pretty far, the gas gauge stick is down at the very bottom and I have no idea where I am. I figure I should be pretty close, but seriously recognize NOTHING! I'm freaking lost in the middle of the ocean, with no boats around. I pass a beach resort, which I think is past our house. WTF?! Did I somehow miss it? I do not wanna die. So I turn around, and cruise along the coast, looking for absolutely anybody I can ask for directions. Not a soul in sight. I decide I should double back and make sure I'm not going in the wrong direction and die. Of course I see nobody and I run aground again! I end up having to jump out of the boat and pushing it back to deeper waters. I'm sure no one's around to talk to but every one's at their windows or safe enough distance away to laugh at me without me hearing. Or I just can't hear it above my own head repeatedly telling myself how awesome I am. After circling around a lil bit, I decide I haven't passed our house again. Let's trek on. This entire time I"m staring at the gas gauge, praying I don't run out of gas. Finally after what feels like forever, I find our house and harbor. Time to go get gas. That part was actually not difficult, if you don't count me panicking in the harbor in the middle of dozens of boats. I gotta find enough space to put the boat in neutral, tie the floaty things to the side of the boat, put the boat back into gear cuz I'm drifting too close to a boat and repeat. While I'm fumbling around, this guy in a lil fishing boat cruises right by me. He's nice enuff to wave. I'm able to dock fine. I thought the attendants help you tie up and stuff, but I guess they want me to enjoy my awesome day. I'm sure they enjoyed watching me helplessly try to wrap the rope around those peg things on land. Filling up the tank cost $177, which I don't think is that bad at all. If I'm able to go 100 miles on empty, a full tank should last quite a while. The mooring we want is right by the gas station, but we haven't paid for the mooring yet. And I don't have a boat to get to shore, which means I'd hafta swim again...this time in front of a lot of people. No thanks. So I take the boat to the pier by our house. That was a lil more difficult. I park fine the first time, but as I'm tying to front of the boat to the pier, the back drifts away, to the point where the boat is perpendicular to the pier. I'm good enough at math to know this is no bueno. Untie the rope and try it again. It takes like 5 tries. I'm either too close or too far. Finally able to tie the boat up, just before it gets completely dark. The awesomeness continues today when I get the boat on the mooring and figure out how to get me back on land without having to swim in front of every one.

When In Bermuda...

Many of you know that I've been talking about getting a boat for years. Even when we were back in Chicago. Jim always said it was dumb because you can only use them a few months out of the year and then it goes to storage most of the year. So when we found out we were moving to Bermuda, we talked about how we would get a boat for sure when we got here. When in Bermuda and surrounded by water, you have to have access to a boat! There are two popular sayings for boat owners:

Boats are holes in the water, into which you throw money.

The two happiest days of a boat owner's life are the day they buy the boat and the day they sell it.

And so as I asked around, everyone would tell me to just find a friend that has a boat because boats are so expensive to maintain and are a big headache. Well, that is a bit difficult when you've just moved to the island and have no friends. And Jim was getting a bit antsy at home. So we looked at a bunch of boats. Of course, Jim and I disagreed on which we should buy. Then yesterday we experienced our first happiest day in our boat owner life...we bought a boat! FYI, we bought the one Jim wanted. Yep, going to wear my flippy floppies and blast some "I'm on a Boat" on that thing. It's not a mega-yacht or anything - just a small  boat that looks like the dinghy for someone's mega-yacht, but at least it gets us out on the water. They say there's all kinds of islands and beaches around Bermuda that you can't get to unless you have a boat, so Bermuda just got much bigger for us!

The buying the boat part was the easy part. Now comes all the rest. We don't have a place to keep the boat yet because you can't apply for a mooring until you have a boat. So where do they expect you to keep the thing?! And, we need some kind of kayak or something to get us to the boat wherever we end up mooring it. And we need to learn to drive the thing, moor it, dock it, maintain it. Minor details. We're supposed to go out Saturday with the boat so wish us luck!

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! It's the first day I've woken up and nothing is wet outside! Going to be a beautiful day...Rocky and Scooby can't wait to dig into some turkey :)

Home Sweet Home

I have no idea what my husband does at home all day. Our furniture arrived here last Tuesday. After work Tuesday and Wednesday, I unpacked the whole kitchen and set up both bathrooms. On Thursday, I put all the clothes away in the closets, finished up in the laundry room (aka, Rocky and Scooby's room) and set up the front entrance. On Saturday, I unpacked the master bedroom and the guest bedroom. Today I cleaned up the dining room and put everything away in the den. So you're probably thinking that we have this humungous house and the hubby did all these other rooms when he was home all last week. But really, the only other room we have is the family room. Which means that my husband managed to get 1 room set up in the time that I did 8. He did wander around the den aimlessly as I was cleaning it up today, staring at his feet and trying to look busy. His task for Friday was to set up the wireless router and the electronics in the house. I came home and the network wasn't set up because he couldn't figure out how to configure the router. So I did that today...it took a whole 10 minutes. The PS3 wasn't set up because it didn't fit in back of the TV. So I pushed the TV to the back of the table so we could put everything in front. It's like magic. I should have been a magician! So I asked the husband what he did on Friday. He responds "I cut my hair." A haircut took over 8 hours?! The best part is that he keeps telling people he has to do things around the house to stay "relevant". Perhaps he's starting slow on purpose.

If you've seen our facebook pics, you know that almost the whole house is now set up. Just need a file cabinet, a cabinet for the kitchen, and some curtains so I can stop flashing all the boats when I change. We also picked up our new car today. Bermuda is actually starting to grow on me and feels like our new home! We were eating dinner outside on Front Street last night (yep, still nice enough to eat outside), laughing at the cruise ship passengers riding around in their white helmets and rental scooters. We watched a couple swerving like crazy on their scooters as they pulled into the street and we're like "definitely tourists" and rolled our eyes (even though my husband still rides around in a rental scooter and we still swerve too). I felt all cool when I pulled out my Bank of Bermuda debit card to pay for dinner. Yeah, that's right, we're locals. I even feel cool when I pull out my monthly pass for the bus and ferry. Yep, I've got a monthly pass...I'm not a tourist!

Today started off a bit rainy again, but was sunny and almost 80 degrees by lunch time. I made us some pancakes, eggs, hash browns and sausage for brunch. Then we decided we'd take the dummies to the beach. So we let them off their leash to run free, and Scooby decides he'll run in the back where all the prickly plants are. He comes limping back like a fool because he got about 10,000 prickly things in his feet and fur. Spent the next hour trying to cut off all the prickly things as he growled at me because the prickly things were hurting him. We tried to order Jim NFL Sunday Ticket, but it costs $320 and they won't prorate it even though a lot of the season is already over. So much for that. Had steaks, mac n cheese and Texas Toast for dinner. I heart beautiful days in Bermuda.

Adventures in Babysitting

I think this was the movie with Elizabeth Shue. I forget if it was before or after The Karate Kid. In the movie, she slides down a big, tall building. Apparently, that's the old Smurfit-Stone building, which is the company I used to work for. Except I didn't actually work in that building. Whatever. If you've ever been in our house back in Bolingbrook, USA, you would probably have been completely disgusted. What should have been white carpet was actually yellow, with some white. Why? Because the dummies (the loving nickname we've given the Dogs from Satan) had a contest to see who could pee more throughout the house. It wasn't only on the carpet tho. Oh no, they did the pillars, the tile, the walls, Sandy's beloved shag rug. They're not completely bad tho. In case Sandy accidentally became pregnant, they wanted to make sure the baby didn't run into any sharp corners. So they thoughtfully chewed off every sharp corner in the entire house. This is not easy to do, especially when you get your butt spanked raw after each occurrence. That's perseverance and dedication of the highest degree! Anyways, the house by the time we moved out. Sad thing is, we didn't bother to clean the carpets before we left...which may explain why we haven't rented the place out yet. Anyways. So as we'd buy furniture and rugs for our new home in Bermuda, we agreed that, under no condition, would we allow our new paradise to be spoiled by the dummies. I don't care if my palm bleeds from spankings, we will not have this house desecrated.

The first couple days in Bermuda, we stay at a hotel. Dummies decide the place isn't nasty enough, so they proceed to pee and poop. No big deal, we don't live here. We move into our new house, piss on the tile. At least there's no carpeting. Couple days later, I'm walking around with my sandals on. I notice brown spots trailing me. Oh no that isn't! Oh yes it is. Turns out one of the dummies pooped right by the bed. And I didn't find out until I was in the kitchen, which is essentially the opposite end of the house. So I spend about an hour on my hands and knees, nose to the floor, sniffin for poop to wipe up.

The locksmith comes to put in new locks. The maintenance guy is here too, going over some stuff. I figure I'd let the dogs run around a bit. A lil while later, I notice a big pool of yellow goodness right by the front door. This means that, more than likely, both the locksmith and the maintenance guy saw it. "Oh, our dogs are house-broken, you won't need to worry about that." Sweet. Just last night, I was walking around, making sure all the doors are closed. I try not to turn on the lights since electric bills are supposedly as much as car payments. I start walking, and feel some wetness. I don't need to sniff my foot, but I do anyways cuz...why not? So I gotta crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom cuz I don't want to do the ol' Hansel and Gretel thing again.

We've been in our new house for over a week now. If memory serves me right, they've peed at least 6 times and pooped twice. That's more than once a day. At least it keeps me busy. And now, whenever I walk in the house, I have to remind myself to look down as I walk. I call them dummies, but they're actually extremely intelligent. How else am I the only one that steps in their gifts? I'm convinced they analyze my steps and movements throughout the house and compare them to that of Sandy's. It makes sense that they'd absorb some of that expectancy/probability ratio nonsense that Sandy's always studying about since they're always laying next to her when she studies. There is absolutely NO WAY it's a coincidence that Sandy's feet have never been soiled.

Saddest part about my life is that it's not even safe when they do their business outside! Being that it's a rental property, we try and pick up after them whenever possible. By "we", of course I mean me. Working women don't have time to deal with that nonsense. Sometimes I'll be too lazy to go inside and grab a plastic bag or paper towel, so I'll create chopsticks out of twigs or leaves, pick up the poop and chuck it down the hill and into the bushes. Some chopsticks are stronger than others. Sometimes my throws won't go very far. Far enough, or so I thought. Today, as I was letting the dummies out, Rocky starts sniffing the grass like he always does. No biggie. He starts rolling around in a patch of grass. Again, no biggie. He does it all the time. After about 5 minutes of rolling around, he finally comes back. I notice some black stuff on the side of his face. Prolly a lil stick or something. Am I ever that lucky? Of course it's poop. WHO THE HELL ROLLS AROUND IN POOP?! You're not a freaking pig! You're supposed to be a prissy, I don't like to get dirty dog! WHY!? To make my life miserable, that's why. Plain and simple. I tried to be lazy and just cut it off with scissors, but it ended up looking like a really bad haircut, kinda like I used to do Cam, except Rocky didn't cry and say I ruined his life and proceed to shave all the hair off his head. To this day, he still shaves his head. Cam that is. I'm still trying to figure out if this is something I can somehow take credit for.

The Girl with the Wet Butt

I had 2 rules when I was picking out a scooter:

1. It had to be cute (e.g. a white scooter would be considered cute, particularly a white Vespa).
2. It couldn’t be too heavy because then I wouldn’t be able to reverse or park it.

So, the suspense is probably killing you and I’m sure you are dying to know what I ended up picking. Drum roll please….we bought a black Peugeot Sum Up. So now you must be wondering to yourself what this bike looks like and if it fits my 2 requirements. The bike is a monstrosity. It’s humungous and definitely not what one would consider cute. In fact, it’s a total boy bike (if you google it, you will see why). So I must have picked it for its light weight and easy maneuverability? Wrong again. For some odd reason, it felt light to me when I looked at it in the store and bought it. I didn’t test drive it or anything because I hate to test drive things. We pick up the bike yesterday afternoon, and I have to drive it with Jim on the back since he doesn’t have his license. We pull out of the store and I’m swerving like a crazy person. I have to drive this thing the whole 45 minutes back home. I attribute all the crazy swerving to the fat person that I have to carry on the back (that would be Jim, who really isn’t fat but weighs much more than me, which clearly throws the balance off). So I’m feeling a bit adventurous this morning and decide I’ll drive myself to the ferry in my new scooter and be a real Bermudian. I take the scooter off the brake and start to reverse it. I should mention that our driveway is somewhat on an incline so I have to push this huge monstrosity of a scooter up a hill backwards (in my flip flops). I start to push….the thing won’t budge. WTH, it felt so light in the store! So I put all my weight into it and everything starts tipping sideways. I can’t hold it up anymore, so the bike falls to the side. Oops. The guy specifically said that wouldn’t void the warranty, phew. I pick it up and push and push with all my weight and I finally manage to get it to turn. Get on the bike and I’m off. It’s not actually too bad when I’m driving. Get to the ferry, pull up the parking space. Now it’s time to reverse into the space. I try to do it while I’m on the bike without much success. So I get off, and struggle and struggle with the 10,000 lb. bike to get it into the spot while everyone waiting for the ferry is staring at me in amusement. Great, I’m sure I look totally like I fit in now. Finally get the beast into the space, lock up my helmet and go to stand in line for the ferry.

So it’s like 75 degrees out and sunny today. I thought I’d be adventurous and enjoy the Bermudian air and sit on the top deck of the ferry, right on the side so I can let the wind blow through my hair. I should mention I am the only person sitting on the side. I sit down, the seat is all wet. Oops, I forgot that everything is wet when you wake up in Bermuda. I sit there, we start moving, my hair starts whipping around wildly in the wind. We get to town, my hair is all tangled, my butt is all wet. I walk into the office looking like I just went through a hurricane.

Driving test today, hope it goes better than my morning did :(

Scooterless in Bermuda

After all of the excitement of getting my scooter license last week, I was thrilled to go scooter shopping yesterday so I could drive home in my new shiny scooter. Unfortunately, the stores are open but they can't actually sell you a scooter since the insurance companies and everything are closed Saturday. Booo!!! No scooter for me. First we took a look at my beautiful Vespa. It's heavier than I thought, and a bit too girly for Jim to drive (particularly in white). So off to Yamaha. Jim likes them, they are waaaaay too sporty for me. Then we take a look at Peugeot. Lighter than I thought they'd be, a bit bigger but sporty and luxurious at the same time. So the big decision is Peugeot - so Jim can ride it and not look like a sissy, or live out my dream of my white Vespa. Sigh, I hate decisions.

Took a look at a few boats yesterday which made me realize that we absolutely need one. It's actually perfect boating weather today but we don't have a boat yet. Boats are darn expensive, but you can't live in Bermuda without one! Checking out cars today. Car, scooter, boat...lots of big expenses. :(

My company sponsors the US Rugby team, and the big Rugby Tourney has been going on all week in Bermuda. We were able to go to the dinner Friday night to meet the players. My first introduction to rugby. Interesting that more people in the US don't play. Afterwards, we rode back on our scooter in our t-shirts and realized that we definitely could never do that back in Chicago. Bermuda is growing on me. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Scooter License...Check!

One more thing checked off my list of to-do's. My scooter test was scheduled for this morning at 8:45. The plan was to go to the Transport Control Department parking lot yesterday (on my day off) and practice since I'd only been on a scooter once before. Unfortunately, it rained and rained and poured all day yesterday, making it impossible for me to go practice. So I'm freaking out all night yesterday and this morning because I'm so scared of the test. Laugh all you want, but it's a frickin hard test. You have to slalom between cones and do all these funky turns that no normal person would need to do on the street. It's basically 5 different obstacles that you do and you can't put your foot down, hit any cones or go outside the lines or you immediately fail.

I wake up this morning and it's raining again. Great, now I have to take my test in the rain. Get on the ferry to go to work and it stops raining. Walk to the office, looks like it's clearing up...yay for me. Get into the office, it starts pouring buckets. The kind where if you walk outside for 1 second, you'll be soaked like you just jumped into a shower. At this point, I'm contemplating if I should even go. My relocation assistant tells me I should because they still test in this weather. We pull into the TCD parking lot....the whole thing is flooded. I'm talking like 6 inches of rain. Now I have to do all these crazy obstacles in the flood, perfect. Especially perfect for someone like me who has been on a scooter like once.

I wait inside until the examiner calls me. He calls my name and I give him a big smile and ask him how he is today. He's starting to warm up to me and I tell him how awesome I think the island is so far. Now, in case you don't know, the first rule of taking a scooter test: you need to have a scooter. We walk outside and there's no scooter there for me. The scooter shop was supposed to bring one for me to use for the test, I even specifically called this morning to check. Great, I'm going to fail immediately I think. But lucky me, someone else is there to take the test. That's gotta kill some time. It's the guy's second time taking it. So he starts. He goes to slalom between the cones and puts his foot down on his way back. The examiner says "okay, come back. You failed." Crap, so much for killing time!!! Still no scooter for me. The examiner turns to the guy that just failed and asks if I can borrow his bike. The guy's like "sure, I just got new brakes." Crap, now I have to take the test in the flood on a bike I've never ridden that might or might not be too heavy for me to even hold up. Things are just getting better by the second. So he starts me on the opposite side that I'm used to cause of the flood and I go to do the first obstacle. It's basically big circle, turn, big circle, come back. On the second big circle, I put my foot down. I look over at the examiner and he doesn't say anything. I come back and he says "now try that again, but you can't put your foot down this time." So I do it again. I actually do the slalom between the cones pretty darn good. The 3rd obstacle I went outside the line so he let me do it again. The fourth one I didn't turn my indicator lights on so he let's me try that one again. Fifth obstacle is good. At this point I have no idea if I passed or not. Did I mention that the guy who I borrowed the bike from has to watch me take my test the whole time on his bike after he's just failed the test in 1 second? Totally awkward. So we go inside together (me and the guy who failed) and we have to stand there awkwardly while the examiner goes to do his paperwork. Meanwhile, my coworkers come up and ask me if I've passed. I tell them I don't know and the guy who failed is like "yeah you did. I failed though, and it's my second time." Examiner comes back maybe 15 minutes later, gives the guy his big fail notice. Then he gives me my pass slip and walks me to the counter where I can get my license. Woohoo! I passed! Now it's scooter shopping time!

Things I've Learned My First Week in Bermuda

I've been here almost a week and a half now and picked up some random tidbits along the way about life in Bermuda:

- You can laugh at your husband all you want for being shaky when he starts and stops the scooter with you on the back. You may even scream "gosh, what are you doing idiot?" each time he does it. It's not funny when your husband is on the back and you almost run off the road every time you try to start and stop.

- If you ride on the back of a scooter, you will smell like gas. It doesn't matter if you are going just 1 mile down the street. You will smell like gas.

- All scooters are different. Don't try to ride the biggest scooter you see because when you stop, you will not be able to hold the scooter up and you will fall sideways along with the scooter.

- 35 km per hour (the max speed limit on the island) is about 20 mph. That is slow, painfully slow. There's no way anyone here follows that law. 

- iPhones rule and Blackberries suck. This is not particular to Bermuda, this is just fact.

- You may be skeptical when a pizza place serves Indian, Chinese, Italian, Island and Japanese cuisine. Give it a try, it may be one of the most delish places on the island.

- Just cause you live on an island, does not mean you will get fresh seafood or sushi. You may resort to eating Alaskan King Crab flown in, just like you do in Chicago.

- Just cause a place has "& Sushi Bar" in the name, does not mean you should try the raw fish there.

- All the stores close at 5:00pm so you need a house husband to go out and pick things up for you when you are at work.

- Some stores will just be open when they feel like it. No regular hours required.

- All of the people at the post office take their lunch at the same time. That means they close during lunch.

- Make an appointment. You think you can walk into the bank to open an account? Not unless you want to sit there and wait for hours to get helped.

- Don't take it personally when everyone else knows each other and you just sit there like the loser idiot. Also, don't take it personally when people yell "go home" at you in the streets. They just hate ex-pats. (Sidenote: there are also incredibly nice people on the island and I would say they are the majority)

- My raincoat is my favorite item of clothing I brought. It really only rains for about 5 minutes a day but it's always a surprise when it does. It'll be sunny one minute and start raining the next.

- If you sit in a tiled room with no furniture, you cannot call people on your computer because all they will hear is echoes.

- Even though it's only a 25 mile island, it can take you 2 hours to get from one side to the other if you are driving. But if you take the ferry, it will only take 25 minutes. Better yet, you can take your boat (for those that have one).

- You can sell your BMW in the states for $16K and then come here and buy a used Chevy Aveo for $20K.

- If you hear a rustle in the trees below and your dog is missing, it probably means your dog has taken a tumble onto the beach below.

- If you are showering and it sounds like the water is clogging in the pipes, but everything seems fine in the bathroom you're in...go check the other bathroom down the hallway. It's probably flooded.

- If you tell your coworkers about all the local restaurants you've tried (like Mr. Chicken) and your coworkers give you a blank/disgusted look and tell you they have never tried the place after being here 8 years, they are probably re-considering hiring you.

- If you have 5 different doors all leading into your house, your dogs will get confused and not remember which door they should stand by to get back in the house.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day so I'm off work. Yay! Happy Remembrance Day to everyone!

Ever since I started making my own money, or when I was making money, whatever. Now that I have some money, I've always wanted to do things people with money do. For instance, rich people drink hard liquor. They sip cognac on the rocks or straight up. They don't do it to get trashed. Oh no, they do it cuz they actually like the taste! They actually enjoy swishing rubbing alcohol in their mouths! I could never understand why, but I was determined to find out. I am sophisticated too! So we'd be at a wedding or out at a nice place for drinks. I don't wanna look like a commoner and order a beer, and wine just seems a lil floosy. There is absolutely no way to look cool and manly with five fingers wrapped around the tiny stem of a wine glass. The problem is, besides the fact that I find this stuff disgusting, is figuring out how to order this stuff. It totally defeats the purpose if you can't even order your drink properly. It's not like you can just go up there and say, "Hennessey on the rocks." Or can you? Can I just ask for cognac? What if they ask me what kind? "Nothing but your absolute finest, kind sir." And what's the difference between cognac and scotch? I see people ordering Chivas, so I did that for a while. Problem is, I don't know how to pronounce it properly. I'd hope the person in front of me would order something cool, so I can just ask the bartender to make it two. Otherwise, I'm stuck with ordering a cranberry/vodka. I always thought juice in a drink was girly, but apparently guys can pull off the Ketel/cranberry combo. Is it that bad that I just want a piña colada or strawberry daquiri?! It's got alcohol AND it tastes delicious. So anyways, I'll have my glass of rich man's drink, and I'll be miserable the entire time as I try to look cool without gagging. Eventually, I just give up and put it down somewhere. One of these days I'll get it. It's like an obsession. Every vacation we'd go on, I'd have to buy a nice bottle of alcohol. We're talking $200+ per. So I have bottles of Camus, Macallan and of course my beloved Louie on display in the old dining room. Do I ever plan on drinking them? No way. I don't even wanna open them for others to drink. I just like looking at them, knowing that I can buy them now. Growing up, I'd always see all these bottles in my uncle's liquor cabinet, and I always wanted that for myself someday. I just never thought I'd be too simple to not wanna drink them.

Anyways, long story long, cigars are another thing rich guys do. You see it all the time, just puffin on a phat stogie. It just looks so pimp. So the entire time we're planning our move to Bermuda, I'd tell Sandy that the first thing I'm gonna do once we've got our place on the water, I'm gonna sit on the patio and smoke a cigar, just taking in our new surroundings. I'd talk about this daily. Nevermind the fact that I don't smoke. I hate even the faintest smell of cigarette smoke. This is different. This is sophisticated. And that's what I am. So first week on the island, I'm asking every one I see where I can go to purchase cigars. These people must think I'm fancy shmancy. I find the store, get three mild Cubans for beginners, lighter fluid for my Zippo (which I brought just for this ocassion) and a cool silver cigar-cutter thing. We moved in Friday. Smoked one that afternoon. Actually I only smoked half. The buzz was getting to be a bit much. No biggie. I'll save the rest for
another day. Two for the price of one. Didn't really see what the hype was all about. Doesn't taste good in your mouth or anything. It's not like I enjoy breathing in the smoke. That actually makes me quite sick. Whatever. Baby steps. I decide to smoke the secold half on Sunday afternoon. Weather was nice, Sandy's outside reading her $10 People magazine. She of course doesn't understand my infatuation with cigars. Says smoking cigars is worse than cigarettes. She goes inside. First, Scooby wanders off towarda the back of the house. Sandy tells me to call him back. Maybe I stood up too fast cuz, after that point, things start turning for the worse. That or when I breathed in a big cloud of smoke and almost choked. I of course held it in to not give Sandy anything to laugh about. I felt so sick, but I toughed it out like a soldier and finished my cigar. I can't even sit outside anymore. I go in and lie down on the bed next to Sandy and the dummies. My head is pounding, my stomach is in knots and I wanna gag every time I breathe in and smell the smoke all over me. I try sleeping, but my head is freaking spinning. It's seriously worse than any state of drunkedness or hangover I've ever had. It's like my own personal cigar nightmare. Finally, I just can't take it anymore. I gotta go throw up or something. Of course I can't do it in the bathroom cuz I don't wanna hand my beloved wife an "I told you so" on a silver platter. So I take our garbage bag, go outside, hunch over like a drunk homeless guy and proceed to throw up Arizona iced tea for a while. I was able to go back and fall asleep, but I didn't feel quite right the rest of the day. How do people do it?! It could be the quality of the cigar, though I doubt it. It was a $10.20 H. Upmann Cuban. The chick said it was mild and good for a beginner! Or I'm just never gonna be sophisticated. Now I dunno what to do. I have two more $10 cigars! If I smoke them, Sandy will nag me the entire time and ridicule me when I feel sick afterwards, which I'm sure I will. But rich people do it all the time, while drinking their scotch on the rocks! And they love it!

The Adventures of Rocky, Scooby and their Frog Friend

Still blogging on the iPhone. The cable people need to come back tomorrow to run the cable line over from the hotel because the house isn't wired yet. Yesterday was quite a day for the dummies. First, I went up on this concrete patio thing we have outside to take a picture of the beach. I'm happily snapping my picture when I hear some rustles in the trees below. I look down and Scooby is staring at me with his goofy smile. But Rocky is missing. I look over the ledge of the patio to see that Rocky has fallen onto the beach below. This is high, like the equivalent of being on the second floor of a building and Rocky is only a 10 lb. dog. I start freaking out and yelling at Jim to go to the beach and get him. I see him trying to run to Jim but he's walking all weird. I'm totally freaking out thinking he's hurt and we don't have a car to take him to the vet. Jim gets over and finds all these prickly things from the tree all over Rocky and that's why he was walking funny. We take the prickly things out and Rocky seems fine. Maybe 20 minutes later we are sitting outside eating and I see Rocky looking like he's having a seizure or something. I freak out thinking it's from his prior accident. Turns out he was just ferociously trying to eat some sort of nut he found on the floor that is stuck in his teeth. Later that night, both the dogs are intently sniffing something outside. I walk over to see and out jumps a huge frog. Slimy green things freak me out and I run away screaming. Thanks Rocky and Scooby for keeping things lively while we wait for our tv and internet to get hooked up.

Beaches, Bugs and Rotten Eggs

We moved into our cottage on the beach Friday. Our front yard is the beach and there are a bunch of palm trees with coconuts on them. Jim was going to go Survivor style and climb up the tree to get the coconuts, but looks like that will take some training. We were greeted in the new house by a very large cockroach and several spiders. Not sure if there are just lots of bugs on Bermuda or if it's cause the house was empty for a few months.

The big question of the weekend is to shower or not to shower? Why the strong aversion to showering you ask? This actually goes beyond our general aversion to showering. The water in our house smells like rotten eggs. Yep, you heard me right. Just like when you walk into a sulfur hot spring. We went jogging (more like panting and walking for me) this morning and I've decided sweat probably smells better than rotten egg. So I'll just walk around sweaty all day.

Btw I'm a total scooter driving natural. Went to class yesterday and I'm pretty much awesome. Gotta run now cause I'm typing on Jim's iPhone which he unlocked and activated yesterday with a Bermuda number. More when we finally get some Internet!

Going Dark

Tomorrow we should be signing our new lease and moving into our cottage on the beach. Cable and internet won't be coming until Monday, which means we will have to spend a whole weekend with no internet or TV. What do people do without modern technology? My relocation assistant, who is totally awesome, took me around to open up our utility accounts today. First stop, CableVision for cable and cable modem. Cable is going to cost us like $80 per month (and that doesn't include any movie channels), no HD or DVR. I tried to get the DVR, but they ran out of boxes about 1 year ago. She said they should get some in soon but she can't guarantee it. You can't get HD unless you have DVR. Also, you can get your cable modem for only $34.95 per month. I thought that was a great deal. Turns out you also have to sign up with an internet service provider (somewhere else) for $100 per month. Doh! At least we don't need to get a land line since we're doing internet through the cable modem.

I regressed at work. Yesterday I had 3 people come talk to me...today, only 2. Someone did swing by and invite me to lunch tomorrow with her and her friends. We'll see if she really comes by to get me tomorrow. After work, Jim drove us down the wrong side of the street on the scooter and got us lost trying to find the grocery store he's been to at least 5 times already. I should take his scooter away and not let him drive around cause it's too dangerous for him. Looking forward to the weekend! Need some sleep and relaxation time after all the stress lately. Taking a scooter class on Saturday morning at the scooter shop. Wish me luck!

Licensed to Learn to Drive

Yep, that's right. Guess who passed her written test today and got her learning permit? Haha, it's like being 16 all over again. Except I had to pay a doctor $55 to do a vision exam and checkup on me so that I could go take the written test. I have to wait 2 weeks until I can take my driving test because that was the soonest test date available. And I have to get a driving lesson from an instructor. I also found out that I need to borrow someone's scooter to go take the scooter test because the rental scooters are only 50 cc and that's a different class of license. No problem, I'll just ask all of my invisible friends to take me and let me borrow their scooter!

Speaking of friends, I think 4 people came by to talk to me today. Woohoo! When you walk out of my office, it's just a big long row of file cabinets....no people. I almost took Katie's idea and taped up some paper dolls on the filing cabinets so I'd have someone to talk to, but I figured that wouldn't be very professional. The good thing is that I'm right next to the bathroom so I can drink all the water I want!

After work, we picked up some new scooter helmets. Mine is pink (of course) with flowers on it. It cost me $180 (with the discount). Then it was off to Mr. Chicken for a 10 piece meal, box of fries, corn on the cob and cornbread. Not bad, not awesome. We ate at the hotel, now Jim is passed out behind me. He must have had a long, rough day.

Good news is the draft lease came through and we are meeting the landlord tomorrow at lunch to sign. Hopefully, we'll be out of this hotel by the weekend and onto the beach! Come visit us so you can play tennis, kayak, snorkel, lay on the beach and hang at the pool!

Moving on up

The Executive Relocation Assistant took us around to see houses yesterday. That's right, I'm an executive yo. Fine, my wife's the executive. I'm unemployed. That's when I bust out the marriage card. "What's mine is yours and what yours is mine, including job titles." The priest guy said those exact words. Trust me, I know. I had to sit there and watch our wedding video every week for 2.5 years...or is it 3.5 years? First appointment was around lunchtime. The lady, Allison, is really nice. The first house wasn't so great. Right on a cliff overlooking the ocean, which is nice. But it's small and kinda old. Rest of the appointments aren't until after 3, so I get to go back to try and find out where in the hotel Scooby's been hiding his poop. No one's that constipated! First, I'm feeling some deadline stress, so I feel it's best to go seek out that elusive mayo, in addition to sandwich bags for the boss' lunch and frozen dinners to try and save some cash. For some bizarre reason even I can't explain, I decide it's better to leave the scooter and take on this adventure by foot. You're in Bermuda...slow down, enjoy the weather and scenery, try and learn some landmarks. If you don't know me by now, I am arguably THE ABSOLUTE WORST at directions. It's been proven. In gifted class back in high school, we had to take that Myers-Briggs test. It said my brain was too advanced to deal with such trivial matters as north and south. Who needs to read a map when you've got GPS?! So anyways, I get to the grocery store just fine. Find a couple items. Final bill comes out to $65. Whatever. So I start walking back. This is where it gets a bit hazy. Downtown Hamilton is only so big. There's like 4 main streets. I somehow manage to get them confused. Instead of walking the final block back to my scooter, I decide the frozen food needs to thaw a bit so I walk a good 10 additional blocks. At least the weather was nice. And I get to walk around aimlessly with my two grocery bags and show the other house husbands out there that there's no need to hide at home. Be proud!

I digress. We check out a couple more houses in the afternoon. 2nd house was the much-hyped "beachhouse". Sandy found this place online last month. It's right on the beach and a harbor. Only thing is it's a bit pricey. We get there and Sandy and I both look at each other and smile. Place is pretty nice. Newly renovated. Nice kitchen. Decent bathrooms. Biggest selling point is obviously the location. Sandy can't hide her excitement. Allison's like..."you love this place don't you?" She looks at me..."I can't really tell with you." That's the point! You need some leverage to negotiate! Sandy doesn't care. She'll take the house for the asking price. She wanted to take the house right then and there. Anyways, we go look at a couple other places. We have Allison email the agent and make an offer that's $1k less than the asking price. Sandy's all worried that they'll be offended and not give us the house. We find out today that they'll give us the house for $6,250/month. We get to move in Friday. I'm pretty stoked. This house has pretty much every thing I wanted. If we were gonna make this huge move, I wanted #1) to be on or very near the water and #2) to have a boat. This place will give us both. Plus it's in pretty good condition and under Sandy's housing allowance, so we'll have money leftover to pay for utilities. Score.

Loser in the Office

First day of work today. They put me in an office on the other side of the floor from the other actuaries. My boss took me around to meet everyone, but there were so many people I couldn't keep everyone's names straight. I sat in my office like a loser most of the day and didn't talk to anyone. I don't know how I'm going to make any friends here since I don't sit by anyone. Just call me the loser in the office :(. I can look out my window and see two big palm trees, which was the highlight. Pretty uneventful day....just did some training on my own. Had lunch at Fresco's, which was pretty good. I discovered that you need a separate license (different from the driver's license) to drive a scooter if you buy your own, but you can drive rentals without one. Makes no sense. Don't know how I'm going to pass the scooter test :(. Also, Jim can't get licenses (car or scooter) until my permanent work permit comes through. That means I'm going to have to drive Jim around on the back of my scooter for possibly 3 months. That'll look so cool. I bet he's thrilled about that and that will for sure add to his house husband status.

We went to dinner at Bisto J tonight. We both got appetizers (conch and corn fritters for Jim, fried eggplant with goat cheese salad for me), entrees (steak and mashed potatoes for Jim, pasta for me) and 1 dessert (vanilla bean cheesecake). Jim wasn't impressed with the food. Then the bill comes, $67 for everything. Suddenly it's Jim's favorite restaurant! The bill was only that expensive cause the water cost $8. Very reasonably priced food for Bermuda. Score! We're looking at 8 properties tomorrow. Hopefully we find our new home! I think I need to start putting sunblock on every morning cause I swear I'm getting sunburned just walking to work. BTW, Jim didn't complete his tasks for the day....no car and definitely no mayo :(

Underqualified

First day in my new role as "House Husband". It's kinda cool how this is an actual term on the island for shmoes like myself. So I ain't the only one! We should all get together and start a support group. "Guys, I'm having trouble finding stuff to pretend to do all day to justify my existence to my wife." My job today? Look for a scooter and car, and maybe go buy some mayo.

Speaking of scooters, those things are pretty damn scary. When I used to see those things all around Taiwan and China, I would always look at the guys on them and think they were total pussies. It's basically a bicycle with a motor for females. Weak. Lemme tell you now, those things are no joke. ATVs may look a lot more badass, but they're a cakewalk compared to scooters. 4 wheels > 2 wheels. Simple math, especially when you got someone sitting behind you. I'm surprised Sandy was willing to get on the back of that thing with me. I'm surprised I didn't drive us off a cliff or into an uncoming car. At least the basket is in the back and not the front, unlike my bike in 4th and 5th grade. Money.

First order of business tho...get some breakfast from the hotel. In order to be a responsible House Husband, you gotta make sure you look the screen door and front door so the dogs don't bust out. If you lose your wife's two loves, it's pretty much a guarantee that you'll be fired as House Husband and not receive a glowing reference from your employer. So make sure you grab the keys before you leave. Check. Grab a couple muffins and a yogurt, so you can go and watch SportsCenter while you eat. Get back to the room, pull out the keys I remembered to put in the pocket of one of my new pairs of Jordan shorts...it's too bad I need to get into the room and not start the scooter. Yup, grabbed the wrong keys. How is that even possible!? They don't even look the same! It's two small keys on a small yellow keychain vs. one large key on a large green keychain. Nice. Maybe I shouldn't leave the room the rest of the day....

Scooters on the Wrong Side of the Road

11/1/2009 -

Woke up today and were off to rent scooters. Big sign says: Do not rent dual seat scooters if you have not ridden one before. Well I can't drive myself and Jim's driven ATVs so I figure it's fine. We lie and say we have ridden scooters before. We rent our 2 person scooter and we're off to look at a few houses. First Jim almost runs himself off the road as the rental guy asks him to try it out. Did I mention they drive on the wrong side of the road here and that scooter accidents are the number one type of accident here? But we have to get around so we have no choice since we don't have licenses to drive cars yet.

First we're off to the west side to see a rental. I fall in love with the house. It's huge (definitely shouldn't have left all our funiture back home) and has huge fireplaces, a Viking stove and double ovens, huge terraces, fruit trees and herb gardens. But not waterfront :(. It's about a 7 minute walk to the beach. But it's also super private and secluded, just like I like. Spent about 2 hours there, then it was back towards the hotel. We stopped by the market for a few essentials, which of course cost us $81. We did find a hot food bar there and filled up 2 containers of food (think ribs, mac and cheese, cornbread, fried fish, etc.). 2.3 lbs of grocery store food cost us $22 and we thought it was a great deal. Back to the hotel so we could eat, but we didn't have time. So we're back out and go east to St. George's. I'm super excited to see the house because it was the one that was on This Old House and totally rehabbed. The house was nice, but not as great as I thought it'd be. The yard was also small and the neighborhood totally different. I think I like the first house better, but we have a few appointments this week to go see some more places. Hopefully we'll find something good!

Back to the hotel to eat our $22 grocery store meal for dinner. My new diet is eating one meal a day cause food is too expensive here. Perhaps I'll finally lose weight! First day of work tomorrow. Not ready to start work at all, but at least my commute is less than 10 minutes.

Goodbye Chicago, Hello Bermuda!

10/31/2009 -

We had a 6am flight from ORD to PHL to BDA. The night before we had our going away party at Dorado and brought our 99 Peaches with us. After a few shots, I wasn't sure if Jim would even get up in time for the flight. Went to bed about 1:30am, got up at 3:00am. It was the first time the dogs were flying and they hated their carry-on bags so we were a bit worried. They did surprisingly well even though the tranquilizers didn't seem to work. Rocky cried a bit at the airport and on the flight, but was fine once we were in the air. Scooby was fine until we were in the air, then he started crying. Jim had to hold the bag on his lap the whole time we were in the air. They were much better once we got to PHL, probably because they were tired. They were good during the layover and passed out on the plane to Bermuda.

After we arrived in Bermuda, I was worried immigration would take a long time since we had the dogs and 4 suitcases (that were all overweight so we had to pay $200 extra). They were quick and gave me my transfer of residence allowance so I didn't get charged duty on anything I was bringing in. Then off to the hotel. The dogs were glad to finally get out of their bags, but the hotel is not great. Looks a bit old and I'm scared of the kitchen. We need to find a house pronto to get out of this place. After a long, much needed nap (I have no idea what Jim did the whole time) it was time for our first dinner. We had dinner at Bolero, a cute French restaurant on Front Street. Jim had the foie gras and steak frites. I had the baby shrimp appetizer and duck confit (and a bunch of Jim's frites). The meal was really good and ended up costing us $120 (no alcohol). The first of many expensive meals here I'm sure. Stopped by the gas station on the way back for a $5 small bag of sour cream and onion ruffles and 2 bottles of water for another $5. Did I mention that it was 75 and sunny all day? Goodbye Chicago cold, hello Bermuda sun!