Awesomeness

Yesterday was the defining day of my month-long adventure in Bermuda. So we bought the boat last week, but we didn't have a mooring yet to keep it. The guy took us out on Sunday to show us the ropes, and we left it on his mooring, which is not close to our house or harbor. Finally found and decided on a mooring. Sandy's been nagging me about being useless and not doing anything, so I decided I needed to get this boat thing taken care of pronto. Incidentally, I haven't been doing nothing. We got a gym membership this week, so I've worked out two days in a row now. I actually run to the gym, work out and try to run back. Got my scooter license on Monday too, so I finally got rid of that stupid $16/day scooter.

So yesterday afternoon, after flip-flopping between playing Arkham Asylum and getting the boat, I finally decide I need to do something productive before the week's over. The thing about moorings is you hafta get to your boat, which is out in the water already. How do you get to your boat? Normally you'd use a boat or kayak, but since the boat's not at our mooring...I hafta swim. Water's not ice-cold or anything, but still. So I go put on X's (this isn't to protect his identity. His name really is X. He's just that awesome.) wicked wetsuit. Why not? Thing is a lil uncomfortable. I'm adjusting this thing like a baseball player. I dunno how gymnasts and anyone else who has to wear tight stuff in that area does it. So I was gonna take the scooter, until I go outside and notice that the scooter isn't there! Awesome. Sandy took it to the ferry. I apparently didn't notice the two times I passed by the area. The ferry is just up the road from where I worked out, so I coulda just grabbed it after I worked out...if I wasn't such an idiot. I debate whether to run and go get it, but I'm too tired. So let's go catch the bus to get to the boat. I've used this bus before, but apparently I'm a bigger idiot than I thought cuz it took the wrong route. So I get off at the fork in the road. At this point I'm halfway between home and boat....in a freaking wetsuit but not in the water! You must realize that every thing I'm doing is so that I'm not a useless househusband. So of course I'm going to go get the boat. How am I going to explain my day to the wife if I don't have a boat to show for it? "Yeah, I was just trying to start my wetsuit modeling career." It's already past 3, and it gets dark around 5:30 here. I decide to run, even tho I'm already really tired. Again, I'm in a freaking wetsuit! And I have sandals on! Of course I don't bother to tighten my sandals (cuz that would take up valuable time), so my feet are going in one direction and my sandals are going in another. If you've never experienced the joy of running in a wetsuit, let me try and paint a picture for you: it sucks. I dunno what idiot invented tampons or how girls can use them cuz I was feeling extremely awkward...and there wasn't even any significant penetration. I'm on the freaking street in my freaking wetsuit, trying to run in loose sandals, trying to look serious (again, in a freaking wetsuit), not knowing whether to laugh cuz I'm getting my balls tickled and salad tossed AT THE SAME TIME, cry cuz I am the biggest moron on the island or hide somewhere and enjoy these sensations lost on a married man. Let's not forget that I've already worked out today, so I'm toggling back and forth between running and walking, which I'm sure looks mad cool to other people on the street. Another perk of having a wetsuit is that it keeps water out. By whatever mathematical theory, that also means it'll keep water in! In this case, it's sweat. Perfect. Also realize that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE I AM OR WHERE THE BOAT IS! I could be miles away. Finally I see the harbor and the boat. I take a shortcut down the embankment. Of course I slip and land on my ass. And I just happened to pick out the primo spot next to some sewer pipe that's spitting out water that I'm sure isn't drinkable. I get in the water. Before I get in the water, I decide I need to tighten my sandals so I don't lose them in the water. Awesome. It's not that cold. The boat's maybe 50 yards out? I can swim this man. I start swimming. I make it maybe...10 yards? Holy shit, swimming is no joke! Before you all crack jokes, remember that I worked out two days in a row after having been off almost a year. And I woke up at like 6:30. I'm sore and tired. So am I gonna drown 40 yards from my boat?! I end up on my back, staring up at God, asking him what I've done to deserve such an awesome experience. I'm too tired to even backstroke. It's like making midget snow angels. I end up maybe 10 yards from the boat. Surely I can swim to it now, end strong. Nope. Finally reach the boat. I start it fine, but of course I end up finding the only shallow water in the entire harbor. If you're familiar with boats, how bad is it if your motor stops cuz you run it aground...twice? That's your queue, X.

I get out of the harbor and I'm cruising. Having a boat is nice. Then saltwater starts splashing all up in my face. I dunno if I was driving too fast or in the wrong direction of the waves cuz water was slapping me left and right. It's getting into my eyes. I can't see. I can't even wipe my face off cuz my hands and arms are wet too and, anytime you're able to clear your eyes, more water splashes. Landmarks when you're on a boat look nothing like when you're on land. Nothing looks familiar. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there's more than one row of buildings along a road. I dunno. I'm trying to find our house, or anything within a 5 mile radius of our house. NOTHING LOOKS FAMILIAR! I have absolutely no idea where I am. This wouldn't be a huge problem...except for the fact that the boat is out of gas and the sun is setting. Yes, the guy left as little gas in the tank as possible. Kinda like when you're renting a car and pre-paid for gas. Or when you're selling a car, except if you're Sandy. Then you turn down the $200 they offer you for driving out of your way to meet them. I've gone pretty far, the gas gauge stick is down at the very bottom and I have no idea where I am. I figure I should be pretty close, but seriously recognize NOTHING! I'm freaking lost in the middle of the ocean, with no boats around. I pass a beach resort, which I think is past our house. WTF?! Did I somehow miss it? I do not wanna die. So I turn around, and cruise along the coast, looking for absolutely anybody I can ask for directions. Not a soul in sight. I decide I should double back and make sure I'm not going in the wrong direction and die. Of course I see nobody and I run aground again! I end up having to jump out of the boat and pushing it back to deeper waters. I'm sure no one's around to talk to but every one's at their windows or safe enough distance away to laugh at me without me hearing. Or I just can't hear it above my own head repeatedly telling myself how awesome I am. After circling around a lil bit, I decide I haven't passed our house again. Let's trek on. This entire time I"m staring at the gas gauge, praying I don't run out of gas. Finally after what feels like forever, I find our house and harbor. Time to go get gas. That part was actually not difficult, if you don't count me panicking in the harbor in the middle of dozens of boats. I gotta find enough space to put the boat in neutral, tie the floaty things to the side of the boat, put the boat back into gear cuz I'm drifting too close to a boat and repeat. While I'm fumbling around, this guy in a lil fishing boat cruises right by me. He's nice enuff to wave. I'm able to dock fine. I thought the attendants help you tie up and stuff, but I guess they want me to enjoy my awesome day. I'm sure they enjoyed watching me helplessly try to wrap the rope around those peg things on land. Filling up the tank cost $177, which I don't think is that bad at all. If I'm able to go 100 miles on empty, a full tank should last quite a while. The mooring we want is right by the gas station, but we haven't paid for the mooring yet. And I don't have a boat to get to shore, which means I'd hafta swim again...this time in front of a lot of people. No thanks. So I take the boat to the pier by our house. That was a lil more difficult. I park fine the first time, but as I'm tying to front of the boat to the pier, the back drifts away, to the point where the boat is perpendicular to the pier. I'm good enough at math to know this is no bueno. Untie the rope and try it again. It takes like 5 tries. I'm either too close or too far. Finally able to tie the boat up, just before it gets completely dark. The awesomeness continues today when I get the boat on the mooring and figure out how to get me back on land without having to swim in front of every one.