Direction, Part 2

Wow, looks like I have ADD when it comes to blogging. Maybe cuz I'm just so busy all the time...

Anyways, the point of my story was the fact, as bad as my sense of direction is on land, it's even worse on the water in the boat. And that means it's absolutely terrible IN the water. I started scuba diving this May. After almost 2 years on the island, I finally decided it might be a good idea to get scuba certified. I honestly don't know why I didn't do it when I first got here. Maybe it's cuz back then I thought $650 was too expensive. Maybe it's cuz I thought I'd be a pro golfer. Or just maybe it's cuz I'm a lazy ass. It really is as cool as every one said it was. There's hundreds of shipwrecks around Bermuda, not to mention all the coral reefs, sea life and underwater tunnels.

So anyways, I joined the scuba club at a dive shop. Since I'd scuba almost every day, the crew would tell visitors that I knew all the wrecks. You're never supposed to dive alone in case something happens to you. So if there were ppl on the boat who didn't have a buddy or weren't comfortable diving in pairs, and there wasn't enuff crew to lead, they'd assign them to me.

I'd try telling them that I was terrible with directions and would most likely get them lost. No one in Bermuda really cares about anything. Never ridden a scooter before? No biggie, here's the keys...make sure to drive on the opposite side of the road. If you get lost underwater with a limited amount of air, so be it.

On land, at least you have street signs. And maps. And landmarks that look familiar. And ppl you can ask for directions. And the sun. You can throw down bread crumbs (I actually tried this in the alleys of Venice...didn't really work. You don't really think about the fact that ppl like to litter anyways and will throw all types of shit on the ground).

So with all these tools to help you, you gotta be pretty retarded to still get lost. That's me. Now you throw in being underwater. There's no street signs in the ocean. There's no maps. Every thing looks the fucking same. You can't ask ppl for directions cuz 1) chances are you're not gonna see anyone else if you're lost and 2) you can't talk underwater. There's tons of fish, but they could give two shits about your lost ass. You don't have a spear, so it's not like you can threaten them (you can't have a lobster noose or polespear when you have a scuba tank). You definitely can't use bread crumbs cuz the fish will just eat it.

To get certified, they make you do a navigation test where they put a towel over your head on land, and all you can look at is a compass under the towel, and you gotta find your way around. I dunno if I should be closing my eyes or what, cuz I did a lot better on land than I do in the water with my eyes open. Worst part is my cheap ass didn't even buy a compass for my first 20-some dives. When I finally realized that I could pull an Open Water fiasco, I bit the bullet and bought a compass for a whopping $50.

I'm pretty cool with the scuba crew and they all know I'm retarded. So when we're in the water, sometimes they'll make a boat symbol with their hands to ask me to point to where I think the boat is. Most of the time I'm right but that shit's pretty easy when there's no pressure and your life isn't on the line. This one time, a chick asked me where the boat was. I looked at my compass and confidently pointed in a direction. She smiled and pointed up. The fucking boat was right above me. Sweet. I'm so directionally-retarded, and apparently blind, cuz I don't even know when there's a big ass boat on top of me with its shadow cast all around me.

So this one time they paired me up with this guy Kent. Kent musta been over 60 years old. Definitely pushing the later half of 50. I did not feel comfortable being in charge of this old dood's life, so I asked one of the dive masters if I could follow her. Halfway thru the dive, the bitch disappears! I guess the pair she was assigned to were complete idiots, inflated their vests for no reason and shot to the surface. So fine, I've been checking my compass just in case. Just go the opposite direction back to the boat. No biggie. We swam for at least 10-15 minutes. Weird, the boat should be around here. We swam about the same distance to get to the wreck. Meanwhile, poor Kent kept signaling to me that he's running out of air.

Finally, I'm like...fuck, where the hell is this boat? Poor Kent's gonna run outta air and die. So we float up to the surface. We look around but see no boat. Panic sets in. OMG, I'm gonna die...hopefully Kent dies first so I can use his body as a life preserver. Then we spot the dive boat off in the distance. I'm talkin way distance. It musta been at least a half mile away. Usually, you'd just pop back down underwater and swim. It's a lot easier swimming underwater cuz you don't hafta deal with the waves pushing you backwards. Too bad Kent's outta air.

I can share air with Kent using my spare regulator, but I figure it can't take that long to swim back. WRONG. To "swim" with scuba gear on the surface, they teach you to kick with your back facing your destination. Kinda like swimming on your back instead of stomach, so you're facing upwards and can breath. Except you got this big ass tank strapped to your back, so you're kinda sittin on your ass. It ended up taking what felt like forever to swim back to the boat. At least 20 full minutes. Every once in a while, I'd ask Kent if he was OK cuz I was gettin pretty damn tired. He musta been dyin.

I must also mention the fact that every one else is already on the boat, including the owner of the dive shop, whom I've never met before. Some of the crew have been trying to get me to work at the dive shop to help them out. Not a great first impression. So there's 20 some ppl on the boat watching my dumb ass swim back to the boat like a jag doing a retarded backstroke, with this poor old man clinging to life next to me.

When we finally get back to the boat, I just hang my head in shame, avoiding eye contact with every one. No one even bothers to talk to the retard. The owner's like...why didn't you guys just use your snorkels and swim? Good question...cuz I'm an idiot? Fuck me. Poor Kent was so damn tired from swimming a mile with 50+ lbs of scuba gear that he didn't even have energy to do the second dive. He just stayed on the boat. Poor guy. Drop $120 to get lost by some stupid Asian kid and almost have a heart attack in the water. He was surprisingly cool about it tho. Prolly cuz he was too outta breath to bitch me out.