Chicken legs

I've been working out since college. In the past 10+ years, I can prolly count the number of times I've worked out legs on my two hands. Whenever I'd tell ppl that I don't workout my legs, they always tell me how bad that is. Yes, I know it's the largest muscle group on your body. It's just no fun. Not to mention the fact that you use them ALL THE TIME. Hello, what do you think you walk and run on? When I run or use the elliptical, it's basically like a leg workout in addition to cardio. And I've never had problems walking, running or moving my legs on the elliptical. WHen chicks check out guys, they don't say stuff like, "OMG, your thighs are so muscular! I love your calf muscles! I need to sleep with you right now." Besides, they're pretty much always covered by clothing. Who really cares what they look like? And if they're not covered, the focus is prolly on something else...

Even if you wear shorts, all you see are calves. My calves used to be rock solid back in high school and college...cuz I did a lot of walking when I was younger. Now they're kinda flabby, but still look pretty tone. I never thought I was missing anything by not working out my legs...until now. Lobster diving has made me realize exactly how weak my legs are.

I've never been a great swimmer. Back when we were young and living in Texas, my cousins had a pool. We'd go to visit them, and every one would be playing in the pool...except me. I didn't know how to swim. This was like 1st or 2nd grade. I prolly had floaties on while every one was swimming around me (incidentally, Cam went thru the exact same thing. Fortunately, by that time I didn't hafta fight him for the floaties). How did I finally learn? One of my uncles threw me into the deep end.

When our families were both in New Jersey, my cousins joined the local swim team. Asian parents push 3 things on their children: grades, musical instruments and swimming. They always say swimming is a great sport/activity cuz it works all muscles, helps you grow taller and doesn't cause negative impact on your body/bones. So why is it that I couldn't swim or play a musical instrument? FAIL.

So anyways, this is a legit swim club where you hafta actually try out. In the pool. In front of every one. No, it's not individual,private tryouts. It's like a once-a-year/all ages thing, so entire towns are there. All these proud and hopeful parents are there to watch and cheer on their kids. And they group you by age, not by experience level. If I had my way, I woulda been swimming with the 5 year olds (I was at least 12).

To say I was unprepared would be a gross understatement. This was like a big ass, Olympic-sized pool. They had you start off on those blocks above the pool, like in the Olympics! Since you're like 5 feet above the water, you hafta dive into the pool. One problem: I had never dived in a pool headfirst in my entire life! (Even now, I'm a pretty horrible diver, but that's another story for another day.) Guess I always feared I'd belly flop or something. That and the fact that I barely swam.

When the race started, every one else dove in headfirst, as normal ppl do. Me? I jumped in feet-first like a freakin retard. I quickly realized why swimmers don't jump in feet-first during a race. Besides the fact that you look like a complete idiot, you have absolutely no momentum when you're in the water. You're basically starting from zero while every one else is already halfway down the pool.

Oh, and if that wasn't bad enuff, I didn't know how to do that "tilting of the head from side to side" thing that normal swimmers do. Since your head is underwater, being able to do that is kinda important if you, you know, wanna breathe. So while every one is swimming normally, I'm doing my version of the doggy paddle...with over a hundred people watching.

It gets better. I'm finally able to paddle to the end of the pool. Too bad the tryout is two laps. When normal swimmers get to the wall, they do that flip thing underwater where they kick off the pool. Keeps the momentum going or something. Of course I don't know how to do this. I just touch the wall and reverse. As I'm trying to catch my breath before I start the second half of this death gauntlet, I look up and notice that the rest of the swimmers are already on the other side getting out of the pool! Guess they heard the cheers and couldn't wait to watch my swimming skills. They too can watch this shit show. Sweet.

As horrible and embarrassing as all this is, let's not forget that there's seriously over a hundred people watching this debacle. You got like 5 year olds laughing at me, grandmas laughing at me and every age in between. God knows what they were thinking. I'm sure they felt sorry for me cuz they prolly thought I was mentally and physically retarded...like that one commercial with the lil girl.

I'm pretty much already dead by the end of the first lap. I have no idea how I finished that second lap. I may have just floated and let the current drag me to the finish line. Maybe I backstroked. After laughing at me for about 15 minutes, they prolly decided to throw me that life ring and pull me to safety. It was definitely a miracle. Needless to say, I was thrown in the worst group. And I'm pretty sure I quit cuz I definitely don't remember graduating.

I'm gonna hafta finish this story another day. This trip down memory lane has been extremely sad and depressing. Time to find some chocolate and ice cream.