Murderer

So it took me two hours to cook my slippery dick. Yes, it is the actual name of the fish:

http://readmore-webphemera.blogspot.com/2008/10/could-you-handle-slippery-dick.html

After my last blog, I went into the kitchen. To my horror, I find the slippery dick still pulsing. Its poor gills are still going up and down, ever so slowly, gasping for air. It had to have been out of water for at least 30 minutes! How's it still alive?! So I'm standing over it, just staring at it, trying to figure out what to do. I could throw it back in the water, but I'd hafta get the hook out first. Yes, the hook is still in its mouth. So I try holding the fish down with the soap dispenser in my left hand and prying the hook out with the fish pliers with my right hand. Freakin slippery dick jumps up in the air and scares the shit out of me! "FUCKING FISH!" (Yes, I actually screamed this out loud)

I stare at my slippery dick for a couple minutes, trying to catch my breath. This goes on another two or three times, freaking out just the same after each time. What the hell am I gonna do? I can't drown the damn thing. I can't throw it in the microwave with a metal hook in its mouth. I could boil it, but that'd take too long. Plus the water might give it more life, boiling or not.

I decide I need something bigger, heavier and wider to hold this slippery dick down. I grab a pot. I don't think it's enough. I need to pull out the big guns to tame this big ol 9" slippery dick. Yup, I measured it with a ruler...the fish...today. I go grab my iPod and blast my workout playlist to pump me up for the kill. Damn fish still won't hold still. It truly is a slippery dick. So what do I do? I'm so pissed that it keeps jumping up and scaring the shit out of me that I beat it with the pot.

The fish starts to fucking twitch! It's just like in the movies where the guy's leg starts twitching after being clubbed in the head with a bat! But the gills are still moving. This slippery dick is indestructible. I consider myself quite the pansy when it comes to killing things. I blame it on my Buddhist parents. I get chills as soon as I start to raise the pot for the strike and am overwhelmed with guilt when I make contact...kinda like I'm gettin beaten over with guilt, if you will. Again, takes me a couple minutes to recover. In the meantime, I'm just staring at my slippery dick, amazed at its determination not to go down.

Let's do a Lost-style flashback. I'm maybe 5 or 6 years old. I'm at a Chinese grocery store in Houston with my parents. They go to the seafood section and pick out a fish from the tank. The guy behind the counter scoops it out, throws it on the floor and proceeds to beat it with a baseball bat. No joke. The fish is flapping around on the floor while this Chinaman's wacking it with a bat. My parents are absolutely appalled. They hafta take the fish cuz it already got the shit beat out of it. As they're walking away, they both say how terrible that was and how they're never getting fish from there again. Here I am, 25 years later, doing the exact same thing.

I musta beat my slippery dick at least ten times. Finally, it looks like it goes limp. Time to descale this sucker. Still, even in death, the slippery dick is a slippery lil sucker. I can't hold onto it. I try using the pliers, but I can't seem to get a grip with that either. I get the brilliant idea to boil the slipperiness off it. Freakin fish starts to curl up. I freak out, thinking the boiling water brought it to life and I'm torturing this poor animal to a whole new level. That or the boiling water is giving it super powers, and it's gonna jump outta the pot and eat me alive. Nope, gills aren't moving.

Anyways, long story less long, I'm able to descale it and cook it. What few pieces of meat I'm able to get off my 9 inch slippery dick taste pretty damn good. Was it worth all the trouble and stress and surely negative karma? Prolly not. But good experience, I guess. Looking back, it was so small that I prolly shoulda just thrown it back. Oh well.

Sandy comes home, takes one look at my slippery dick and starts laughing at its size. "That's the smallest **** I've ever seen in my life!"