Titanic

I have not had a Bermudian idiot moment in a while. I did not want to disappoint my two readers. Lucky for them, I'm still an idiot. So two weekends ago, Sandy had a big ol BBQ. She woke up bright and early that Saturday morning and went to the store. Normally we'd want me shopping with her, but I guess this time she didn't want me nagging her about her $700 in groceries. Yes, the prices are outrageous, but I guess there's still 15 quarter-pound hamburger patties and a buncha hot dogs still sitting in our freezer. This after we ate BBQ leftovers for lunch and dinner all last week. Anyways, it was a success. I think around 15 ppl showed up, including Ben and Smita's friends from the states.

So the next day, we offer to take them out on our boat, show them the island. Sandy packs a big ol bag full of drinks and snacks. Hop on the scooter down to the marina. I go grab the boat. Only problem is our kayak is missing. Someone stole our kayak! I didn't bother tying it up cuz none of the other punts were and every one's always saying how there's no theft in Bermuda! Stupid me actually believed it. Can't really say anything cuz it's not even like it's our kayak.

So I had to "borrow" someone else's punt to get out to the boat. I lift part of the back cover and get in the boat. Half my calf is greeted by cold water. Freakin back of the boat is filled with water. Back of the boat also happens to be where the batteries and all the electrical is. For some reason, I still thought the boat would start. Nope. Looking back, I guess I'm lucky I didn't shock myself to death like those "hairdryer in the tub" movie scenes.

Take the punt back to the dock to tell Sandy our boat is kaputz. She calls B&S to break the bad news. We ask one of the attendants if he's got any buckets to help us get water out of our stupid boat. He ends up dumping out one of those motor oil bottles and cuts the top off. Sandy and I row back out to the boat where I spent the next couple hours removing water from our boat, a couple ounces at a time. Sandy spent that time working on her tan. That and she'd wave at all the people and their dumbfounded looks as they passed by us in their dry boats. Not embarassing at all. I'm sure all the marina people got a kick out of it too. "Look, that idiot that was pulling his boat in the water's now dumping water out of his boat."

So apparently our bilge pump wasn't working properly. And the front cover of our boat ripped, so rain would come in through the front of our boat and accumulate. Sad part is I meant to check on the boat the week before we left for Taiwan, but of course I didn't cuz I was too busy doing shit. Then when I came back from Taiwan after having been gone for almost a month, I was going to check on the boat. Again, I didn't cuz I was too busy doing more shit. So the boat basically went unattended for almost two months. Had I stopped by to check on the boat once during that period of time, who knows, all of this may have been avoided. Lady at the marina said the noticed the front cover flapping around for at least a week and saw the boat getting lower and lower every day. Too bad it didn't just sink.

It's getting fixed now and should be done this week. I spent today applying two coats of wax to the sides of the boat. These two guys that are at the marina a lot stopped by to comment on what a good job I was doing and how shiny the boat looked. Then they recognized me and called me "the swimmer". I am known as the fucking swimmer. Sweet. I am famous.

Bermuda ain't got nothin on Chicago

I'm not talking about weather here, though we did play tennis outside yesterday. No, I'm talking about corruption. My mom used to tell me stories about the old president of Taiwan and how he stole hundreds of millions of dollars while in office, still got re-elected and was loved by half the country. It was almost unbelievable. How could people do stuff like this and get away with it? Even Blagojevich was re-elected. This stuff should only happen in places like China, North Korea and the other non-democratic countries. People have voices!

Well, apparently this stuff happens every day here in Bermuda. Crime has been on the rise in the last couple of decades. People here talk about how the island used to be so safe, people would leave their doors open at night, feel free to walk around after dark, there were no guns, no shootings, no murders. Now there's like a shooting almost every week. The funny thing is that guns are illegal on the island, yet people still manage to get their hands on them.

Once in a while, the cops will actually arrest someone for these crimes (Apparently it's hard to make an arrest when the guy you're trying to catch is shooting at you but you don't have a gun to shoot back with!) Convicting them is another thing. Since the island is so small and every one knows each other, more often than not the jury consists of your friends, neighbors and relatives. So you're not going to throw your brother or cousin or father-in-law or neighbor's nephew in prison. I'm not even joking. Someone on that jury will know you somehow. Whenever we're on a flight to Bermuda, it's like that scene in Die Harder where the two groups of soldiers are on the plane talking to each other and having a party (guess what movie I watched in Breckenridge while Sandy and Co. boarded that second day). It's like playing that Kevin Bacon game. There's prolly at most 3 degrees between any two people on the island. Side note: I should conduct a study.

The sad thing is that every one already knows this! The latest murder trial was at a college party by the beach. One guy took another guy's chain. Guy tried to get it back but gets stabbed in the chest with a knife three times. Thief's friends come and stab him some more with a screwdriver and hit him with a bat. Guy dies. At the end of the trial, the jury acquits him of murder and only charges him with manslaughter. The reasoning? "Whereas murder is defined as intent to kill someone or cause them grievous bodily harm, manslaughter is an unlawful act which causes a victim's death."

Wow. What do you think will happen when you stab someone in the fucking heart with a knife three times?! Even if you don't intend to kill him, surely you intent to cause them some bodily harm, no? I think getting stabbed in the heart would cause a lil pain, a lil harmful. I've never had it happen before, so I can't really say for sure. Maybe that's what his jury pals were thinking. Or they were influenced by the defendant's six witness friends who said he didn't do it. Unbelievable. When I think of manslaughter, I think of accidentally hitting someone with a car. Key word is accident. I don't think you can accidentally stab someone in the heart three times. "Dood, I was just holding my knife out, showing my friends, when the guy ran into it three times."


Speaking of car accidents, there was a trial for one of those this week too. This one though involved an expat from the UK working here as a truck driver. He was driving a truck when he hit an oncoming car. That car burst into flames, killing the driver. The two passengers were able to get out beforehand. Some nice tidbits: 1) the truck driver was only licensed to drive a small truck, but the truck he was driving was a big rig. 2) forensic evidence shows the truck was in the wrong lane 3) the truck driver and his passenger fled the scene 4) the guy that died was Bermudian, killed by a non-Bermudian 5) the truck driver was found to be more than twice the drink-drive limit 6) and here's the kicker, the driver also had cocaine in his system. Sweet! I'm no lawyer, but that looks to be some pretty bad mojo against you.

Just listening to the details, that's at least gotta be manslaughter rite? Guess what's happening to the guy? He gets to go back to the UK! After originally being convicted, they went back and threw out the case cuz the judge incorrectly directed the jury on how to weigh the evidence in the case: "the judge wrongly equated dangerous driving with careless driving, when they are different things in law...dangerous driving means someone must be guilty of a "marked departure" from the normal standard of driving...Armstrong was not guilty of that, since he was only guilty of a "momentary lapse" at worst, as there was no evidence his manner of driving was dangerous in the run up to the collision."

"Momentary lapse"?! Are you referring to the moment his truck slammed into the car head-on...as opposed to the moments he drank and snorted coke and got into a truck and started the truck and drove the truck for however long? Seems like a lot of moments. Yeah, his driving wasn't dangerous. It was only dangerous during and after the collision. The rest of his driving was perfectly safe. It would have been OK for him to drive had he not killed someone.

Holy shmoly. Looks like they found another loophole. I dunno. When I think of careless driving, I think of talking or texting on a cellphone or eating while driving. Or playing with your radio. Or smacking your kid around. Getting behind the wheel after drinking more than 5 beers AND snorting a couple lines of coke is a lil more than careless. I consider having both alcohol and cocaine in your system to be a "marked departure" from the normal standard of living, let alone driving. This guy must have super powers. Most mortal men would be a lil affected by 5+ beers and cocaine. Most people prolly couldn't walk or talk straight, let alone drive a big ol truck. I guess that's why they brought this superhuman over to drive a truck. Wait, isn't cocaine an illegal drug?! Or maybe I'm just a tight-ass.

Looking at all the facts of the case, I coulda sworn this guy would get screwed. Bermudians hate expats on the island and here you are killing one! It's not even like he was an executive or something with power or connections. He was here as a truck driver (why you'd need to bring in a foreigner to drive a truck is beyond me. You really couldn't find someone on the island qualified to drive?!) The taxi driver I hit was pissed cuz I was on the wrong side of the road, and I barely scratched his car. He didn't even burst into flames! He was driving the truck illegally. He was on the wrong side of the road. He ran from the accident! That's a hit and run...and you killed a guy in a burning vehicle! Aren't those big no-no's? Plus he was drinking and drugged and driving! Should be an open and shut case. At worst, it'd be a re-trial like the murder suspect above. The first trial was a hung jury, so they just retried the case. This driver's actions directly caused the death of another human being. There should be at least a lil jail time involved! My take, Bermuda bows down to the UK cuz it used to be a UK-country. The motherland prolly applied a lil pressure on behalf of one of their own and the lil island quickly folded. I hate to think what woulda happened had the driver been a handsome Chinese boy.

Alive

We went to Breckenridge last weekend for one last snowboarding trip. For the record, I was against it from the start. We had already gone to Vermont back in January, and I had just gotten back from Taiwan. But what breadwinner wants, breadwinner gets (ie: the new, white Vespa sitting in our driveway that I told her to buy the first time around when we were first looking for scooters cuz I knew she wanted it and didn't want her buying another scooter a month later but she swore she wouldn't want a Vespa so we ended up buying a scooter neither one of us really liked only to have her buy another scooter two months later anyways).

We were meeting up with Victor, Tammy, Kira and her mom, so it was like a family trip. Stopped off in Miami, rented a car and met up with Joyce for a couple hours. Didn't get to see her art show but got to eat lunch with her and catch up for a lil bit, which was nice. Spent almost 2 hours at the Sprint store trying to get a new cell phone. When we landed in Denver, we drove straight to Hooters. Knocked down 12 wings in about 5 minutes cuz their flight landed right as our wings were being served.

Started boarding around 11. Went down a couple blues. No problem. Sandy was even managing pretty well. Then we started going down a couple blue/blacks. Top part was moguls, which was a bit tricky for me. Since we were going with pros, I figured this was my chance to get better. Gonna get these moguls down. From what I've been told, cuz I don't remember, I was going down toe-side, edge caught, flew backwards, landed on my head and got a concussion. Apparently I had no idea where I was. The conversation went something like this:

Me: What happened?
Them: You had a bad fall.
Them: Do you know where we are?
Me: No.
Them: Where do you think we are?
Me: There's snow...are we in Europe? Vermont?
Them: Do you know where you live?
Me: Chicago.
Them: No, you live in Bermuda.
Me: Bermuda? What are we doing in Bermuda?!
Them: Sandy works there. Do you know what she does?
Me: She's an actuary.
Them: What do you do there?
Me: I dunno. I work?
Them: Where do you work?
Me: I have no idea.
Them: No, you don't work.
Me: WTF?! What do you mean I don't work?
Them: You don't have a job. You stay home.
Me: WHAT?! What the hell do I do at home all day?!
Them: Good question. We're in Colorado. Do you know how you got here?
Me: From Bermuda? Boat?
Them: You think you came from Bermuda to Colorado on a boat?
Me: I guess so.
Them: You don't remember getting on a plane from Bermuda and seeing your cousin in Miami?
Me: No.
Them: Do you remember going to Taiwan?
Me: No. What the hell? Did we smoke?!

I guess this went on for quite a while. They got the later part on video. Sadly, they didn't get my reaction to the fact that I didn't have a job. That would have been classic. Needless to say, I was done for the day. I remember boarding down to the lodge and just feeling completely empty. Never had a concussion in my life. Not from playing football or basketball or anything else. And this was with a helmet on! I can only imagine what woulda happened had I not had a helmet, like when I first started boarding after college. That's why I quit...cuz of all the hard hits to the back of my head.

When we got back home, Sandy and I got really sick. I had the worst pounding headache, like my worst hangover magnified by ten. I was in bed the entire night, curled up in the fetal position. This lasted from 3pm until 7am the next morning. The whole time, I was thinking I was gonna pull a Natasha Richardson. The headaches were so bad that I was even praying for it. Victor said it was altitude sickness. Supposedly the cure is lots of sleep and water, neither of which we had. We got to Breckenridge around 3AM, which was 6AM Bermuda time. We'd been up since 6AM the day before. Didn't sleep til like 5 and woke up at 8. I didn't drink any water cuz I don't like having to pee with all my gear on.

Sandy felt OK enuff to still board the next day. My head would still hurt if I sneezed, bent over or got up too fast. Good thing is she was somehow able to get my entire lift ticket refunded, both days. Score.

Even back in Bermuda, I was feeling off. We ended up playing tennis on Wednesday for two hours. Felt sick the next day. Was in bed practically all day. Played tennis again today. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Pretty scary when you think about it. Your brain ain't nothin to mess with. To completely lose your memory like that is crazy. It's like the cords in there disconnect from your brain or something. It's like being unplugged from the matrix. It's not even like I was going fast or doing anything crazy. I was going pretty slow and trying to be careful. Can't be good for you. May be time to retire while I'm on top.

Bermuda weather

The weather's been pretty good since I've been back, which is good since I'm determined to lose this weight. Side note: I've realized that I am also way too stiff. Never was very flexible, but now I can barely touch my knees. Being fat doesn't help in trying to be more flexible cuz, every time I bend over, a nice big roll of fat oozes over my sweatpants (yes, Fat Jim wears them exclusively now) and further restricts my range of motion. I don't know whether to try touching my toes or poke at my roll of fat. Anyways, the weather's been nice enough that I've been able to run outside a couple times this week and last in t-shirt and shorts. Nothing to complain about.

Funny thing is, it's nice during the day all week, EXCEPT when Sandy's home. She was home last Thursday for a study day. Guess which day it rained last week? She was home yesterday too. We finally bought used tennis rackets Tuesday, but we couldn't play yesterday because it rained...that and we didn't have any balls. It's kinda sad and amusing at the same time. Of course it cleared up in the afternoon, so we were still able to go for a run.

It was nice out today. Figures, since Sandy's at work. I kept going back and forth as to whether I should go run. My new routine is to run to the gym, work out and run/walk back home. It was nice out, but a lil cloudy. Finally, the sun came out. I went outside and saw a big ol sun and complete blue sky. Aight, I'll do my run cuz we're boarding in Breckenridge this weekend, and I'm gonna eat like a pig. Plus we went out for dinner last night and I ate way too much. I was already full but decided to polish off my entire plate of fries cuz I'm stupid like that. The waitress even gave me an out by asking if I was done, but I waved her off like the fatass I am. I've seriously grown a soft spot in my heart for fat people. Or maybe it's my stomach that's grown.

Run to the gym just fine. Six sets into my workout, I look outside and see that the entire sky has turned gray. Shit, looks like it's gonna rain. I go outside and see that my nice blue sky is quickly being overtaken by darkness. A lady on the street says rain's a comin. Apparently Bermudians are all really good at forecasting this stuff by looking at the clouds. How am I supposed to know if gray clouds actually mean it's gonna rain? I don't want to spend the rest of the day stuck in the gym, so I decide to cut my workout short and run back home. I guess being fat also makes you delusional to the point where you think you can outrun the rain. Not more than 30 seconds into my run, it starts to rain. DOH! Instead of going back to the gym and just finishing my workout like a normal person, I decide it'd be more productive to wait it out under a canopy in front of a store. Fortunately, rain only lasts about 5 minutes. I decide to just go home rather than go back to the gym. Of course, now that I'm home, it's back to sun and clear blue skies.

So really I coulda just finished my workout and run home dry. It's like God telling me I'm destined to remain fat and carry this ring of shame around with me for the rest of my life. Maybe the extra padding will help cushion my falls this weekend. It's like natural crash pads.