Diving for humiliation

One of the few things I want to be able to do here in Bermuda is catch a lobster. Lobster diving...it just sounds so cool. So after my first attempt, which I failed miserably, I decided I'd be as prepared as humanly possible. So I bought all this scuba gear: wetsuit, hood, snorkel, mask, boots, fins, weight belt, flashlight. All this stuff is definitely going to make a difference.

So last weekend, we took the boat out both days. Did not see a single lobster on Saturday, but I was starting to get the hang of it. I could go down a ways and actually look into caves. Still wasn't great at holding my breath but a huge improvement from the first time. Weather on Sunday was even better, so we went out again. This time we were met by the boat police right as we were trying to anchor. I guess we weren't allowed to have a scuba tank and lobster nooses in the same boat. Luckily they were pretty cool and let us go with a warning. They didn't even bother to check for my lobster diving license, which I did not have. Thank the good lord cuz it's supposed to be over $1,000 fine. After that I was a lil worried, so I went down without the noose just in case they decided to come back. Figured I'd look around first.

I saw a lotta cool things: one of those camouflaged sandfish, big ol angelfish, even saw a turtle, but no lobster. But the elusive lobster can't be far off. Only a matter of time rite? RIGHT! I look into this one hole, and I see antenna. Holy shit! Is that a lobster?! Come up for air, go back down and take another look. Definitely a lobster! FINALLY! All my searching has finally paid off! I can't get to it tho cuz I don't have my noose! I start yelling at Ben and Co. while frantically waving my arms, "LOBSTER! LOBSTER!" Ben swims over with the nooses. He takes a look and confirms. I let him have first crack at it cuz he's actually caught a bunch before. I'm too excited to even hold my breath for more than five seconds. It's a lil tricky cuz it's pretty deep in the hole. He tries a couple times. I try and help, which basically means I dive down, hold my breath for a lil bit and come back up for air. Finally I see Ben come up with it, but it looks like it's tail is broken off. I'm like..."Damn, thing really put up a fight! It's gonna be big and meaty!" As I look closer, it appears a lil lifeless. Turns out it was a lobster...shell. Oh. My. God.

Seriously, this shit only happens to me! Who else does this happen to?! First of all, who knew lobster shed their shells?! Where do they go to get a new one!? Why do they even need a new one?! Why is it deep in a freaking cave with no light to make it look like an actual lobster?! Why do I hafta be the one to find it?! And after all my freaking excitement! Saddest part of the whole story: I couldn't even catch a dead, unmoving lobster. I had to have Ben do it. Imagine my dumb ass getting all excited and trying to figure out the best way to catch a g'damn lobster shell. It's basically like trying to catch a rock.

In hindsight, no wonder that thing didn't try harder to escape. If I couldn't even catch a lobster shell, how the hell am I gonna be able to catch one that's actually alive and can move?! I think I need better gear...