Ghettofied

Back in the states, Sandy hated hip hop. Despised it. Couldn't stand listening to it. She didn't even have B96 or KISS FM programmed in her car. She didn't even like light, fun music, such as Rihanna. What does she listen to now that we're in Bermuda? Rap. I'm not talking Jay-Z or Eminem. We're talking hardcore, gangsta rap here. Ghetto off the heezy fo sheezy. Stuff I can't even listen to. We're in the car yesterday picking up food, and she's got some ridiculous music on the radio. I could barely stand it. She actually enjoys it! Couple weeks ago, she calls me on her way home. She's all excited with some guy blasting in the background..."They're playing my favorite song! I don't want it to stop!" I'd rather listen to Christian music than the stuff she likes. I have no idea what's happened to my wife.

Diving for humiliation

One of the few things I want to be able to do here in Bermuda is catch a lobster. Lobster diving...it just sounds so cool. So after my first attempt, which I failed miserably, I decided I'd be as prepared as humanly possible. So I bought all this scuba gear: wetsuit, hood, snorkel, mask, boots, fins, weight belt, flashlight. All this stuff is definitely going to make a difference.

So last weekend, we took the boat out both days. Did not see a single lobster on Saturday, but I was starting to get the hang of it. I could go down a ways and actually look into caves. Still wasn't great at holding my breath but a huge improvement from the first time. Weather on Sunday was even better, so we went out again. This time we were met by the boat police right as we were trying to anchor. I guess we weren't allowed to have a scuba tank and lobster nooses in the same boat. Luckily they were pretty cool and let us go with a warning. They didn't even bother to check for my lobster diving license, which I did not have. Thank the good lord cuz it's supposed to be over $1,000 fine. After that I was a lil worried, so I went down without the noose just in case they decided to come back. Figured I'd look around first.

I saw a lotta cool things: one of those camouflaged sandfish, big ol angelfish, even saw a turtle, but no lobster. But the elusive lobster can't be far off. Only a matter of time rite? RIGHT! I look into this one hole, and I see antenna. Holy shit! Is that a lobster?! Come up for air, go back down and take another look. Definitely a lobster! FINALLY! All my searching has finally paid off! I can't get to it tho cuz I don't have my noose! I start yelling at Ben and Co. while frantically waving my arms, "LOBSTER! LOBSTER!" Ben swims over with the nooses. He takes a look and confirms. I let him have first crack at it cuz he's actually caught a bunch before. I'm too excited to even hold my breath for more than five seconds. It's a lil tricky cuz it's pretty deep in the hole. He tries a couple times. I try and help, which basically means I dive down, hold my breath for a lil bit and come back up for air. Finally I see Ben come up with it, but it looks like it's tail is broken off. I'm like..."Damn, thing really put up a fight! It's gonna be big and meaty!" As I look closer, it appears a lil lifeless. Turns out it was a lobster...shell. Oh. My. God.

Seriously, this shit only happens to me! Who else does this happen to?! First of all, who knew lobster shed their shells?! Where do they go to get a new one!? Why do they even need a new one?! Why is it deep in a freaking cave with no light to make it look like an actual lobster?! Why do I hafta be the one to find it?! And after all my freaking excitement! Saddest part of the whole story: I couldn't even catch a dead, unmoving lobster. I had to have Ben do it. Imagine my dumb ass getting all excited and trying to figure out the best way to catch a g'damn lobster shell. It's basically like trying to catch a rock.

In hindsight, no wonder that thing didn't try harder to escape. If I couldn't even catch a lobster shell, how the hell am I gonna be able to catch one that's actually alive and can move?! I think I need better gear...

These are a few of my favorite things...

Jim came downtown to drop off the scooter today because there's something wrong with the lights (I had to drive home last night in the pitch black with no lights, it was scary). He met me for lunch at one of my favorite lunch spots in town. We ate outside. It was 70 degrees out. Instead of doing P90x, we went to my favorite restaurant for dinner where we had delicious guacamole, seafood and steak paella and a half pitcher of sangria (which I drank all by myself). Best sangria ever. I still have not done even one P90X workout so I am un-fit to review it. :( I do, however, know for a fact that you do not lose weight by simply buying it. Had I known this, I may have re-considered the purchase.

I heart Bermuda.

Leader of the Pack

When you move to Bermuda, everyone tells you not to ride a scooter because they are so dangerous. They are the cause of most of the deaths in Bermuda (in the days before the gang/gun violence that is currently happening). However, if you have to get a scooter to get around (they only allow one car per family), then they always say not to take the third lane. There are only 2 lanes on the streets in Bermuda, one for going east and one for going west. The third lane is the white line on the road in between the cars in the other lanes. One of the sights that still amazes me in Bermuda is seeing all the crazy scooter riders squeezing between cars on the narrow, winding roads here and driving down the third lane. When they see oncoming traffic coming (particularly a bus or truck), they just huddle up next to the car that they are passing and hope that there's enough room for the other vehicle to pass. They weave in and out like this and pass all of the car drivers and, if there's a red light, they all gather up right by the light so it's like a scooter pack. The lights here turn red and yellow (simultaneously) before they turn green. The minute the lights turn red and yellow, the scooter drivers are off. I used to just observe this activity and think "Crazy scooter drivers. I will never ride the third lane. That's so dangerous!" Fast forward to last week. My car was in the shop so I had to take the scooter to work. The traffic is insane going into Hamilton during rush hour. So I decide to just pass a few cars when the coast is clear. Then more. Then I'm driving the third lane all the way into town. The first few times, I would wait for another scooter to go into that lane and follow them. By the time I am closer to town, I'm leading the third lane! Now I can't even drive to town without taking the third lane. It cuts more than 15 minutes off my commute to work! Now I am convinced I need another scooter. Particularly when the weather starts getting nicer (65 on a scooter feels like 40, I promise). I will live out my dream of my white vespa.

Been pretty busy the last few weeks. Vermont trip was awesome, which convinced me that I need to go snowboarding out west in March. Park City or Colorado. Any takers? Then last weekend was beautiful in Bermuda. 68ish and the water was flat calm so we took the boat out both days. The second day, I actually put on my wetsuit and snorkeled for a little bit. We even BBQ'd last weekend...in January!! I'm still back and forth about whether I like island life, but I think I'm back to the liking it phase. Work is busy, which has left little time for me to do my new P90x DVDs I picked up when I was back in the states (BTW, I'm convinced k8e is mad at me and her telling me to get the DVDs was just a big joke so her and x could laugh at me). I did try 36 minutes of it the other day before I decided that baking red velvet cupcakes would be much funner. Must get back into working out though since you actually have to wear a bathing suit when you live on an island!!

Vermont and NYC

Boarding trip turned out to be really good. Drive from JFK to Stowe wasn't too bad. We stopped off in Flushing for some noodles at Xi'an Famous Noodles. I guess it was on No Reservations. We ended up getting a plate of the recommended noodles and 2 more bowl noodles. The bowl noodles were horrible. Didn't even touch one. Got a 3rd bowl from the place next door. Much better. Sandy loved it. I guess this other place was recommended too, but Sandy didn't bother to read the entire review online. We stopped off at some mall in Connecticut cuz the GPS said we'd get to our dinner reservations 2 hours early. So I got to spend a couple hours following Sandy around yet another mall. I dunno how she can buy so much, yet I don't buy anything.

Back on the road, we finally realize that the GPS is on Mountain time or something instead of Eastern, so we had to call Simon Pearce to change our reservation twice. Dinner was OK. Nothing spectacular. Cheddar soup was nice. Ended up at Stowe around 10:30. Place was nice. Suite was cool. Guess there are perks to staying right at the base of the mountain. Followed Sandy around on her lesson for half the first day. He wasn't as good as the guy in Tahoe. Sandy got a massage after the first day. I somehow resisted the urge to drop $200 on some dood giving me a rubdown. Sandy swore it made all the difference in her lack of soreness. Boarding was good times, but I think we need to go with someone at her level and someone at mine. I don't think I progressed at all this time. Wasn't nearly as cold as I imagined, prolly cuz we were all bundled up. Love my thermal.

NYC is ridiculous. I dunno how ppl live there. Check that, I dunno how ppl drive there. Pedestrians are retarded. I had at least three different ppl walk in front of my car when the light was turning green. Once I just started going and the lady gave me a look like I was at fault. Taxis are even worse, and they're every where. Parking's unbelievable too. When we first pulled up, the guy was like..."I wouldn't recommend parking here, it's $16/night." I thought $16 was expensive, so I go find a parking garage. Couldn't find any, so I head back. I'll just pay the $16. Turns out I misheard and it was actually $60!!! Parking garage ended up being $46 after tax anyways.

Went to Ippudo that night for some famous ramen. Supposedly the place is amazing. It was packed on a Monday night. Actually had to wait about 5 minutes. They say it's over an hour wait on a busy night. It was good, but we didn't think it was worth the hype at all. Didn't even finish my soup, and I always drink the noodle soup.

Finally, after over 15 years of waiting, finally got to hit up Gray's Papaya. I've been wanting to go there ever since I first watched Fools Rush In. HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT! It's worse than a ballpark dog. I swear Matthew Perry had chili/cheese on his dogs. They only had kraut. Skinniest hot dogs ever. Why the hell would you fly that shit across the country?! It's not even worth walking next door for, let alone driving 30 blocks. Gimme Costco any day. Ugh. Met up with Randy for some New York style pizza. That was good at least. Oh and parking was $40 for two hours!!!!

Dread

I am so not looking forward to this trip to Vermont tomorrow. Every news story I see online is about how freakin cold it is in the states right now. How freaking cold is it? How can it be below freezing in the South?! I've already turned into one of those weaklings I used to make fun of...like the ppl in LA that wear winter coats when it's 50 degrees out. Went to the driving range today. First time I've used my new clubs since we've got here. Yes, it's very sad. I was gonna go a couple times before but felt it was too cold. By cold, I'm talking 60s. I couldn't even take the cold in Chicago when it was normal winter cold. I dunno how we're gonna be able to board in this freezing cold.

I dunno how we'll survive this weekend. If ppl are freezing to death down South, I can only imagine how cold it is in the Northeast. Ugh. It took me about 15 minutes to pack. Sandy's still figuring out which pairs of furry boots to bring. I bet she ends up bringing 5 pairs for a 4 night trip.

This is a lil too soon after our Vegas trip, which was a blast. Good being around family and actually interacting with ppl on a daily basis. White Elephant was fun. Food was very disappointing tho. I guess that's what happens when you hype things up too much. Foie gras was dry, if that's even possible. Steak was just so-so. Hot N Juicy was good, but Sandy freaking ordered the hot version, even when our waitress told us it'd be too hot. In N Out made me wanna throw up. Even McDonald's wasn't that great. La Reve was disappointing. Rio buffet, which we waited in line for over an hour for, didn't quite meet expectations. Saw Avatar in 3D. Movie is amazing. Cracks my top 10 for sure. I even got teary-eyed during certain scenes. Somehow I resisted the urge to get popcorn but still managed to eat half of Greg's.

I dunno if I wanna go back to Vegas anymore tho. So many freaking Asians. It's ridiculous. Freakin dirty, ghetto Asians every where! Ugh. Oh and I walked into a Bank of America. There were 5 tellers. Each one knew how and was speaking Spanish! I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

This house husband thing definitely getting to me. Dog sitter came tonight, and I was very sad to see them leave. I started getting sad before she even got here. Even walking around the house now, I get sad when I see their toys laying around. It's only four freaking days! I gotta check my balls once in a while to make sure they're still there. Maybe I should stop peeing sitting down.

Couscous makes the world go round

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to buy the following items from the store. You should look in our fridge first regarding the tomatoes, the celery, bread crumbs and the marsala wine (cabinet) to see if we have those.

Bread crumbs
Dijon mustard
Eggs
Salt-free lemon pepper seasoning
Old Bay seasoning
1 1/2-2 lbs. boneless, skinless chicken breasts
4 thin pork cutlets
2 shallots
4 stalks celery
4 plum tomatoes
2 artichokes
1 zucchini
16 oz. mushrooms
1 1/2 lemons
2 Granny Smith or other tart apple
1 pkg. couscous
16 oz. gnocchi (potato dumplings, sold with pastas or
frozen)
1/2 cup Marsala wine - check cabinet, we might have this
pineapple juice
pine nuts
English muffins
Wheat Pita pockets

So my new and exciting job as of late is that of grocery shopper. Sandy gives me a list of things she needs to make dinner, and I brave the scary grocery store in search of the ingredients. This is not the first time I've had to do this. First time was New Year's Eve. I can tell you this, it is no fun.

First of all, what the fuck is couscous?! Where in this grocery store would I even begin to look?! Seriously, how can you find something when you have no idea what it looks like or where it is? I don't even know what category of food it belongs to! Is it even a food?! The only reason I even know how to pronounce it is cuz I've heard it in movies before. And it sounds as ridiculous as it's spelled. "Excuse me, I'm sorry to scare you. I only look like a freak. I was hoping you could tell me what couscous is?" Have you ever been to the store and seen a guy walking around with a grocery list? Of course not. That's what women do! If you ever see a guy in a grocery store with a list, wandering around aimlessly...think of me. And feel very, very sorry for him. The last time I went grocery shopping, I was staring at all the tomatoes. There were all sorts. I had to ask the lady next to me if any of the tomatoes I was looking at were plum tomatoes. How can a plum be a tomato? Wouldn't it be a different color? Why else would you call it a plum tomato?! Stands to reason that the tomato would resemble a plum. The lady chuckled at me.

They should teach this shit in school. This is far more valuable a lesson than the other random subjects I didn't bother to pay attention to. Or I guess girls usually learn when they follow their moms around the store and when they cook. Who knows. So, when you say shallots, does that mean the whole bundle or just one of the buds? And yes, I had to call Sandy to find out. I think the whole bundle is called a clove, like clove of garlic. It's all extremely confusing. And seriously, how the fuck is someone supposed to know if an apple is tart?! What is tart even supposed to taste like?! It's not like you can just bite into it at the store. They should have a scratch and sniff label or something, except it's be scratch and lick.

If it wasn't difficult enough, there has to be a dozen different varieties of each item. Do you realize how many different types of apples there are? Mushrooms? Even corn. Freaking corn! Kernel corn. Niblet corn. Cut corn. I spent at least 10 minutes trying to figure out which bag of frozen corn I should grab. On her last list, Sandy asked for dried mushrooms. I figured it was just mushrooms that weren't wet, like not in a can. Cuz it's not wet, therefore it's dry. Nope. Dried mushrooms aren't the ones you see in the produce section. They're actually shriveled up in a jar.

I don't even want to get into seasonings. Why on earth would you need 100+ different kinds of seasonings? Does it really make that much of a difference? On a side note, we were at dinner once, and we sat next to a table of 3 elderly couples. When I say elderly, they looked like they were in their 60's. They looked and dressed like they were high society. Turns out, one of the lady's family owned McCormick. When I passed her the salt, she was like..."Oh this is my family's brand." They only make up like half the ridiculous seasonings market. So I have her to thank for me on my knees staring at the shelves and shelves of spices, looking for "salt free lemon pepper seasoning". It's not bad enough that I hafta try and find lemon pepper seasoning from amongst some thousand lil jars, but I hafta somehow look for the one that doesn't have salt. How bout you just not put extra salt in the dish?

The kicker in all this is that Bermuda grocery stores are nothing like the ones in the states. The selection is just not there, so I end up having to go to multiple stores. There's a main store that every one seems to go to, Lindo's. It's a bit further from our house but definitely has the biggest selection. Even with this list tho, I ended up having to go to three other stores looking for shallots, mushrooms and artichoke. Never did find any artichoke. Sounds gross anyways.

Before we got here, Sandy's boss said you hafta figure out what stores carry and prepare your cooking around that. I think Sandy forgot that piece of advice. That or she just likes to have fun with the house husband. I'm sure she scours her cookbooks, looking for the most obscure ingredients, while imagining me fumbling my way through the grocery store, looking like a complete retard, asking random ppl if they know what pine nuts look like. It's like that guy in There's Something About Mary..."have you seen my couscous?"