My mom would say that the title of this post has to do with my life. While that may be true, in this case I'm referring to compass directions. I am notoriously bad at directions. I have absolutely no sense of direction. In gifted class back in high school, we had to take that one test to determine your personality. Or maybe it was the one that tells you what your career should be. In any case, one of the results was that "you suck at reading maps and have no sense of direction." And it was true.
When we were kids, we'd take lots of road trips. Back and forth between Houston and Dallas. Dallas to New Jersey. blah blah. I would never be in charge of the map, cuz I could never figure out if you were supposed to turn left or right on so and so street. I'm like Snooki.
You'd think you could just chalk it up to me being a stupid kid. Nope. When I got my license, I would constantly get lost. Whenever some poor fools needed a ride from the airport, and my mom wasn't available, I'd hafta drive out to O'Hare from Schaumburg to pick up visitors. Most of the time I could get there OK. The problem was going back home. There's just too many damn signs leaving the airport. I'd always wind up in some industrial park or out in Itasca. Saddest part is I knew I was bad at directions, so I'd actually have someone written step-by-step directions for me. Guess I needed bread crumbs.
Moving to the city was an absolute nightmare. Any time I was driving into the city from the burbs I'd hafta call one of my roommates and ask them which exit to get off. "Dood Brian, do I get off east or west? Hurry I'm about to pass the exit!" This went on for months before Brian finally got sick of my calls and told me about the whole "visualize the highway along Lake Michigan." Frankly, I'm surprised that worked.
I lived in Illinois for like 17 years. I drove the same routes for years. Once I somehow forgot how to get to Sandy's office downtown and ended up in the middle of nowhere. In my defense, we had just gotten back from vacation (that's why I'm not a lawyer but love lawyer movies, like A Time to Kill. Dood, he was able to get Samuel L. Jackson off of cold-blooded murder!) How does a grown ass man forget how to get from point A to point B when he's driven the route hundreds of times?!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Ultimate shit show
Since I started scuba diving in May, there's been one thing I've been wanting to do: spear a lionfish.
Lionfish are the only thing you can catch with scuba gear cuz they're a menace to the marine life. Sharks are one of its only predators and, since there's no sharks in Bermuda, they're basically free to destroy sea life here. I've gone diving with guys who have speared lionfish. Sergey's speared 3 of them while we've dove together. They're difficult to spear because 1) they're usually in deeper water and most of our dives aren't deep enuff, 2) they like dark places, so you hafta keep an eye out for them, 3) they're hard to spear and kill, 4) even if you see one, you prolly don't have a spear on you. I've had 51 dives so far. I've seen a lionfish maybe 5 times. So basically, whenever I dive with a spear, I'm extremely anxious to find a lionfish. First time I dove with a spear, I didn't see a single one. Second time, I shot one but got away. Supposedly they're notorious for having paralyzer spears bounce off them.
This time I actually see one. I swim up to it, point the tip right at it and fire. I dunno if it bounced off him or what. I really don't think I missed cuz it was so close that I could basically touch it. Musta been stunned cuz it swam to a hole but was still in view. I aimed again yet still somehow missed even tho I was inches away. This time, it disappeared into a hole.
By this time, I'm pretty pissed with myself. Not only did I actually see a lionfish but I had two perfect chances to shoot it. Loser. Spend the next 20 minutes looking for another one. No dice. Towards the end of the dive, I decide to go back to that original spot and see if the lionfish popped out again. Sometimes works with lobsters too. Who knows, could get lucky. Sure enuff, lionfish is back out in plain view. This time, I take extra careful aim. Bam, stick it with all three prongs. Sweet. I even pin it up against the reef so it can't swim away. At this point, I'm extremely happy. Finally got my first lionfish! I'll bring it up on the boat and all the tourists will be in awe and tell me how cool I am.
As soon as I take the spear off the reef, the lionfish starts to wiggle off the spear. I quickly pin it back up against the reef. This fool already has three holes in it but is acting like Superfish. So I just chill there for a bit and wait for it to die or at least tire out. I even push it up to the very front of the spear. If this were a lobster, I could just grab onto it to make sure it doesn't swim away. Can't do that with lionfish cuz they're poisonous. Lionfish stops moving, so I figure I'm OK. As soon as I lift it again, it swims away.
I try chasing it. Not paying attention, my face rubs up against fire coral. If you touch fire coral, you know immediately. It's like a burn, stinging pain. I say "fuck" to myself, but I don't even care about the pain. I just want that damn lionfish. I look around for a while, but it's gone. Lionfish has 3 holes in it but still somehow manages to swim away.
I've never seen that before. All 3 times I've seen someone spear a lionfish, I've never seen it swim off the spear once it's been shot.
At this point I'm beyond pissed. I find a lionfish. Miss it twice. Am lucky enuff to find it again. Actually shoot it. Play with it for a while. It still swims away. And all I have to show for it is a big, puffy rash on my face. You don't understand how difficult it is to find a lionfish, let alone shoot one!
When I bought my scuba gear, I also bought a 6" dive knife. Someone told me that, if you ever spear a huge fish and are worried about it breaking your spear, just pull out your knife and cut open its stomach. That sounded so badass. Rambo badass. Of course, my knife was sitting at home, so I couldn't use it. Totally badass.
I don't know if I'm stupid, clueless, don't really pay attention (prolly all of the above), but it's not the first time I've touched fire coral. Usually it's on my ankles or wrist, so it's not that big a deal. They say to put the spot up against brain coral, which will help to suck out the stinging cells. So I find a big brain coral and go to put my left cheek up against it. As soon as I do that, I feel a burning pain on the right side of my lip. I had just brushed up on another fire coral. Naturally. Of the thousands of brain coral in the water, I pick one with fire coral growing right next to it. Why not?
Let me tell you how rare this is. You hardly ever find fire coral next to brain coral. Why? Cuz brain coral can kill fire coral. I wonder what happens when you have one cheek on brain coral while the other is one fire coral? So now I have a swollen lip to go along with my swollen cheek. Balance.
Oh but the story doesn't end there. When I get back home, I decide to find some more brain coral by the dock. My cousins are coming this weekend, and I'd rather not look like Freddy Kruger. I figure I don't need to put my wetsuit on. After all, I just rinsed the saltwater off. Jump in, find some brain coral right away. Of course my body brushes up on all sorts of crap as I'm trying to plant my face on this poor brain coral (when you touch brain coral, it dies).
So basically, as I'm trying to cure this painful itch on my face, my body starts to itch every where. Do I stop or keep going? Rather have a rash on my body than face, right? Does this brain coral thing even work? Sure doesn't feel like it. Do I go back up to the house and put on my wetsuit? Nah, too lazy. This goes on for about 5 minutes. Finally, I figure I've had enuff treatment. That and my shoulder's really starting to itch. As I'm climbing back up the dock, I feel a sharp pain on the back of my left leg. I look down and there's a fire coral looking up at me.
Lionfish are the only thing you can catch with scuba gear cuz they're a menace to the marine life. Sharks are one of its only predators and, since there's no sharks in Bermuda, they're basically free to destroy sea life here. I've gone diving with guys who have speared lionfish. Sergey's speared 3 of them while we've dove together. They're difficult to spear because 1) they're usually in deeper water and most of our dives aren't deep enuff, 2) they like dark places, so you hafta keep an eye out for them, 3) they're hard to spear and kill, 4) even if you see one, you prolly don't have a spear on you. I've had 51 dives so far. I've seen a lionfish maybe 5 times. So basically, whenever I dive with a spear, I'm extremely anxious to find a lionfish. First time I dove with a spear, I didn't see a single one. Second time, I shot one but got away. Supposedly they're notorious for having paralyzer spears bounce off them.
This time I actually see one. I swim up to it, point the tip right at it and fire. I dunno if it bounced off him or what. I really don't think I missed cuz it was so close that I could basically touch it. Musta been stunned cuz it swam to a hole but was still in view. I aimed again yet still somehow missed even tho I was inches away. This time, it disappeared into a hole.
By this time, I'm pretty pissed with myself. Not only did I actually see a lionfish but I had two perfect chances to shoot it. Loser. Spend the next 20 minutes looking for another one. No dice. Towards the end of the dive, I decide to go back to that original spot and see if the lionfish popped out again. Sometimes works with lobsters too. Who knows, could get lucky. Sure enuff, lionfish is back out in plain view. This time, I take extra careful aim. Bam, stick it with all three prongs. Sweet. I even pin it up against the reef so it can't swim away. At this point, I'm extremely happy. Finally got my first lionfish! I'll bring it up on the boat and all the tourists will be in awe and tell me how cool I am.
As soon as I take the spear off the reef, the lionfish starts to wiggle off the spear. I quickly pin it back up against the reef. This fool already has three holes in it but is acting like Superfish. So I just chill there for a bit and wait for it to die or at least tire out. I even push it up to the very front of the spear. If this were a lobster, I could just grab onto it to make sure it doesn't swim away. Can't do that with lionfish cuz they're poisonous. Lionfish stops moving, so I figure I'm OK. As soon as I lift it again, it swims away.
I try chasing it. Not paying attention, my face rubs up against fire coral. If you touch fire coral, you know immediately. It's like a burn, stinging pain. I say "fuck" to myself, but I don't even care about the pain. I just want that damn lionfish. I look around for a while, but it's gone. Lionfish has 3 holes in it but still somehow manages to swim away.
I've never seen that before. All 3 times I've seen someone spear a lionfish, I've never seen it swim off the spear once it's been shot.
At this point I'm beyond pissed. I find a lionfish. Miss it twice. Am lucky enuff to find it again. Actually shoot it. Play with it for a while. It still swims away. And all I have to show for it is a big, puffy rash on my face. You don't understand how difficult it is to find a lionfish, let alone shoot one!
When I bought my scuba gear, I also bought a 6" dive knife. Someone told me that, if you ever spear a huge fish and are worried about it breaking your spear, just pull out your knife and cut open its stomach. That sounded so badass. Rambo badass. Of course, my knife was sitting at home, so I couldn't use it. Totally badass.
I don't know if I'm stupid, clueless, don't really pay attention (prolly all of the above), but it's not the first time I've touched fire coral. Usually it's on my ankles or wrist, so it's not that big a deal. They say to put the spot up against brain coral, which will help to suck out the stinging cells. So I find a big brain coral and go to put my left cheek up against it. As soon as I do that, I feel a burning pain on the right side of my lip. I had just brushed up on another fire coral. Naturally. Of the thousands of brain coral in the water, I pick one with fire coral growing right next to it. Why not?
Let me tell you how rare this is. You hardly ever find fire coral next to brain coral. Why? Cuz brain coral can kill fire coral. I wonder what happens when you have one cheek on brain coral while the other is one fire coral? So now I have a swollen lip to go along with my swollen cheek. Balance.
Oh but the story doesn't end there. When I get back home, I decide to find some more brain coral by the dock. My cousins are coming this weekend, and I'd rather not look like Freddy Kruger. I figure I don't need to put my wetsuit on. After all, I just rinsed the saltwater off. Jump in, find some brain coral right away. Of course my body brushes up on all sorts of crap as I'm trying to plant my face on this poor brain coral (when you touch brain coral, it dies).
So basically, as I'm trying to cure this painful itch on my face, my body starts to itch every where. Do I stop or keep going? Rather have a rash on my body than face, right? Does this brain coral thing even work? Sure doesn't feel like it. Do I go back up to the house and put on my wetsuit? Nah, too lazy. This goes on for about 5 minutes. Finally, I figure I've had enuff treatment. That and my shoulder's really starting to itch. As I'm climbing back up the dock, I feel a sharp pain on the back of my left leg. I look down and there's a fire coral looking up at me.
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