Murderer

So it took me two hours to cook my slippery dick. Yes, it is the actual name of the fish:

http://readmore-webphemera.blogspot.com/2008/10/could-you-handle-slippery-dick.html

After my last blog, I went into the kitchen. To my horror, I find the slippery dick still pulsing. Its poor gills are still going up and down, ever so slowly, gasping for air. It had to have been out of water for at least 30 minutes! How's it still alive?! So I'm standing over it, just staring at it, trying to figure out what to do. I could throw it back in the water, but I'd hafta get the hook out first. Yes, the hook is still in its mouth. So I try holding the fish down with the soap dispenser in my left hand and prying the hook out with the fish pliers with my right hand. Freakin slippery dick jumps up in the air and scares the shit out of me! "FUCKING FISH!" (Yes, I actually screamed this out loud)

I stare at my slippery dick for a couple minutes, trying to catch my breath. This goes on another two or three times, freaking out just the same after each time. What the hell am I gonna do? I can't drown the damn thing. I can't throw it in the microwave with a metal hook in its mouth. I could boil it, but that'd take too long. Plus the water might give it more life, boiling or not.

I decide I need something bigger, heavier and wider to hold this slippery dick down. I grab a pot. I don't think it's enough. I need to pull out the big guns to tame this big ol 9" slippery dick. Yup, I measured it with a ruler...the fish...today. I go grab my iPod and blast my workout playlist to pump me up for the kill. Damn fish still won't hold still. It truly is a slippery dick. So what do I do? I'm so pissed that it keeps jumping up and scaring the shit out of me that I beat it with the pot.

The fish starts to fucking twitch! It's just like in the movies where the guy's leg starts twitching after being clubbed in the head with a bat! But the gills are still moving. This slippery dick is indestructible. I consider myself quite the pansy when it comes to killing things. I blame it on my Buddhist parents. I get chills as soon as I start to raise the pot for the strike and am overwhelmed with guilt when I make contact...kinda like I'm gettin beaten over with guilt, if you will. Again, takes me a couple minutes to recover. In the meantime, I'm just staring at my slippery dick, amazed at its determination not to go down.

Let's do a Lost-style flashback. I'm maybe 5 or 6 years old. I'm at a Chinese grocery store in Houston with my parents. They go to the seafood section and pick out a fish from the tank. The guy behind the counter scoops it out, throws it on the floor and proceeds to beat it with a baseball bat. No joke. The fish is flapping around on the floor while this Chinaman's wacking it with a bat. My parents are absolutely appalled. They hafta take the fish cuz it already got the shit beat out of it. As they're walking away, they both say how terrible that was and how they're never getting fish from there again. Here I am, 25 years later, doing the exact same thing.

I musta beat my slippery dick at least ten times. Finally, it looks like it goes limp. Time to descale this sucker. Still, even in death, the slippery dick is a slippery lil sucker. I can't hold onto it. I try using the pliers, but I can't seem to get a grip with that either. I get the brilliant idea to boil the slipperiness off it. Freakin fish starts to curl up. I freak out, thinking the boiling water brought it to life and I'm torturing this poor animal to a whole new level. That or the boiling water is giving it super powers, and it's gonna jump outta the pot and eat me alive. Nope, gills aren't moving.

Anyways, long story less long, I'm able to descale it and cook it. What few pieces of meat I'm able to get off my 9 inch slippery dick taste pretty damn good. Was it worth all the trouble and stress and surely negative karma? Prolly not. But good experience, I guess. Looking back, it was so small that I prolly shoulda just thrown it back. Oh well.

Sandy comes home, takes one look at my slippery dick and starts laughing at its size. "That's the smallest **** I've ever seen in my life!"

Fish, the other other white meat

Ever since I found out we were moving to Bermuda, I've thought about fishing. Tried buying a rod at Outdoor World the last day the movers were at our house in Bolingbrook, but they didn't sell saltwater stuff. Didn't buy a rod the first five months we were here cuz they seemed a lil expensive, and I'm against supporting Bermuda businesses. Weird thing is I don't even like fishing. I think my mom's whole "it's cruel to the fish" thing rubbed off on me. Saddest part is I used to go with Randy and his dad, and they bought me a tackle box and some fishing stuff for my 13th birthday. I kept it all the way up until June of last year. Cam ended up selling it at the garage sale when we were clearing out my mom's place for the renters. I kept it for over 17 years and then got rid of it 4 months before I actually needed it!

I tried fishing with Ben's gear about a month ago. I see all these fish just swimming off our pier. Figured I could catch a ton of fish. It'd be like "shooting fish from a barrel" rite? Wrong. You know why your parents used to always tell you to eat fish if you wanna be smart? Cuz fish are smart! Those damn fish would just nibble away at the squid off my hook. Ate an entire squid without touching my hook. Didn't catch jack.

Anyways, finally ordered a saltwater rod from Outdoor World and had it shipped to Chicago. Bought a ton of other gear from their store in Bolingbrook and brought it all back with me. Basically told a sales guy I knew absolutely nothing about fishing and asked him to help me pick out the right stuff. So today I decide to go back out on the pier with my own tools and have another go at it. Didn't use the rod, just the extra spindle line thing I bought and threw a sinker and hook on it. Don't even know how to properly tie that stuff on.

First couple attempts ended up same as before. Fish would just nibble away at the squid and avoid the hook. But then, on my third or fourth try, got a bite from one of the bigger fish. And it stayed on the hook! I excitedly pull it up. It's an ugly ass looking fish. Green with red horizontal stripes. Small sucker too. Barely a foot long, if even. Actually started to put it back in the water but then decided not to. It's my first fish! I've been dying to cook fish ever since Taiwan. Got a buncha recipes but no fish to cook with. And I was determined to cook fish I caught on my own.

So now I'm here, sitting in the den, writing this blog while dinner sits in the kitchen sink. Now I remember why I don't like fishing. You kill an animal. They're easy enough to catch and plenty easy to eat, but what about all that's in between! How am I gonna prep this thing?! I think I hafta scale it, which means I hafta touch it! It's eyes will be staring up at me..."why did you kill me, Jim? I'm not even big enough for an appetizer. I had a family. I had my whole life ahead of me." And it's freaking ugly! It's like an alien fish. I don't even think I can bring myself to eat it after it's cooked. It'll be like trying to eat frog legs. How do you even scale a fish!?

It's kinda like those movies where the guy's supposed to kill someone, but he ends up meeting him and hanging out with him and ends up liking him. It ends up being a conflict of interest. He can't do it anymore. There's this bond. The fish and I have a bond. I took it's life. Am I gonna be an even bigger dick and eat him now? Wouldn't it be worse if I don't eat it? Ugh. FML.

So now I'm just dragging out this post, trying to delay the day when I hafta go into that damn kitchen and look into the eyes of the fish who's life I took for my own pleasure. WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?!

[edit] Sandy asked around. Apparently the fish I caught is called a slippery dick fish. No joke. Figures.

Back to the Chi

Would you spell it "Chi" or "Shy"? Cuz that really just sounds like tai chi. Anyways, flew back out to Chicago last Thursday. Was supposed to go the weekend before with Sandy, but she ended up having to work and I stayed around to spend our 4 (?) year anniversary together. We went to this nice place on the island called The Waterlot. Ribeye was pretty good, but the two orders of foie gras was even better.

Anyways, plan was to just cancel the trip altogether, but after a couple days I realized I wanted to go back and hang out with my boo. Plus, we had ordered a buncha stuff, so I might as well go and pick them up. And I had already made a big ol shopping list. You know you're an official House Husband when you fly back to the states to go on shopping trips. All I need now is a manpurse. So booked a last-minute trip. Layover was in Newark, which wasn't all that bad cuz I got to eat a double filet o' fish w/ extra tartar sauce. My boo picked me up from the airport and we proceeded straight to Hooters! Crazy ass waitress tells us they're out of wings. I seriously almost started crying. I was too shocked and sad to even get upset. I figured she was joking at first, but she kept it up for quite a while. Thank all that is good and true in the world that she was joking.

Ate breakfast by myself Friday at Bongo Room. Eating by yourself blows. Couldn't even play with my iPhone. Pancakes were good but not worth the humiliation of eating by yourself. Orange juice wasn't even fresh! Drove out to Bolingbrook to make sure I could open up the storage unit so I could go buy some LEGOs. Last time we were in Chicago before Taiwan, I bought all these LEGOs only to find out that the lock wouldn't open. Had to return em all. :( Met up with Grant and Bob at Kampai for lunch. Did a ton of shopping. All you can eat Korean BBQ for dinner with the boys. Then some poker to round out the night.

Saturday was more chill. Brunch at Walker Bros. Dinner at Ruth's Chris. Had the most delicious cowboy ribeye. AMAZING. Great recommendation. Haven't had steak other than at Wildfire in a long time. Then went to Ginseng of all places to meet up with Andy and Will. You know you're a friend when I'm willing to go to a freaking Ginseng club to meet up with you.

Met up with Will and Andy for Dim sum at Furama. Then more shopping. Capped off the trip with three slices of Lou Malnati's deep dish. Only slept about an hour that last night cuz my flight was at 7AM, and me and the mister wanted to get a couple more hours of CoD in.

You know you're getting old when you can't play video games all night anymore. Back in college, we'd play Starcraft the entire night and into the next day, go to class, play more Starcraft, play some basketball and eat and then pull another Starcraft all-nighter. Those were the days.

Stomach felt off all night. I'm pretty sure my stomach wasn't used to all that cheese. Worst part is I couldn't even poop. Tried a buncha times cuz I knew I was gonna be on a plane all day and stuck with nasty airport bathrooms. Flight to Newark was brutal. Spent THE ENTIRE layover in the bathroom unloading while listening to my iPhone and breathing thru my shirt. How can the Japanese have such immaculate bathrooms while all the ones in the states make you want to vomit?! When I tried to get up after the first round, I almost fell back into my own shit cuz my entire lower half was asleep. I basically just stood there in the stall for like five minutes while I let the blood flow back thru my feet and legs. Walked around for a lil bit then went back for round two cuz my stomach still hated me.

Felt better after the second exodus, so I wisely decided to celebrate. You spend the entire day in pain cuz your stomach hurts from eating too much nasty, greasy food all weekend. You finally start to feel better, so what do you do? Go eat another double filet o' fish with extra tartar sauce. Duh. Yes, I know. I'm a genius. Stomach wanted to thank me for being such a moron by making the flight to Bermuda absolute hell. I spent the rest of the night back on the island eating week old french bread. Stomach's just now starting to feel normal.

Came back with 90 lbs. worth of goodies, 5 of which are hanging over my belt. Big thanks to the Suhs for being the best hosts ever. It was good seeing the few ppl I got to see.